Hot Pedigree Chum! Have you heard that MTV are making a television version of Teen Wolf, in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer vein? Well, they are. These are exciting times, friends. All of the old gods are returning from their respective twilights to inaugurate a new age of Saturnian delights. I refer of course to the A-Team, Judge Dredd and the no-doubt soon-to-be-commissioned remake of Labyrinth, featuring Sam Worthington as the rough roustabout Goblin King.
Anyway, should the producers find themselves short of ideas, here are some suggestions to make the new Teen Wolf show a real success:
1) Everyone loves that bit in the original film in which the Teen Wolf poses and preens on the roof of a moving truck. But this is very dangerous, and MTV obviously don’t want their main star to be injured in a road accident, only to be mounted and frotted by the kind of perverts one finds in J. G. Ballard’s novel, Crash. From my own experiments, I have found that a whippet sellotaped to the roof of a fast-moving vehicle is virtually indistinguishable from a hairy Michael J. Fox.
2) Teen Wolf has to be very very sexy when he is the wolf. From my own experiments, I have found that women find Antonio Banderas highly sexually attractive, especially when he wears high-waisted slacks and whispers mysteriously into their ears. MTV should seriously consider casting Antonio Banderas in the lead role. Granted, he is not a teen. But James Van Der Beek was 46 when he starred in the first season of Dawson’s Creek, and no-one gave a hoot (except the predominantly underage actresses who had to kiss him). MTV have to ask themselves: do they want sexiness, or do they want verisimilitudinousness? They’re not making a Ken Loach film. They are making a spicy saga full of lupine larfs. Go sexy, MTV, go Banderas.
3) In Teen Wolf 1, the Teen Wolf was a basketball player. In Teen Wolf 2, the Teen Wolf was a boxer. In the TV show, he needs to be associated with a different, more contemporary sport. May I recommend, MTV, that the Teen Wolf be a champion show-jumper? From my own experiments, I have found that the sight of a hirsute, fanged gentleman wearing jodphurs on top of a lithe and well-groomed horse is a great way to grab young viewers’ attention. “Wow. Wicked! Check out the way Teen Wolf is clutching that Martingale”, they will say. “Teen Wolf’s dressage-style is sick” they will exclaim, somewhat ambiguously. “Oh man”, they will protest, “T.W. clocked up a rail down with front hooves. That bums me out.” Show-jumping. Yes!
Well then, MTV, whaddya say?
Tags: Adolescent Lupines, Antonio Banderas, Basketball, Cling Ons, Dog Experiments, High-Waisted Gentlemen, Hirsute Gentleman, Michael J Fox, MTV, Remake, Roar, Show Jumping, Teen Wolf, Teen Wolf 2, Teen Wolf TV show, Worms