Hip hop enthusiasts! Put down your uzis and stop spelling letters with your fingers! There’s a hot new sound busting up the aural spectrum. Forget your Marky Mark, your Shabba Ranks and your MC Handpump. All of the real rap fans are grooving to a whole new scene. If you like your rhymez [sic] sick and your beatz [sic-er] dope, get down to your local record shop and ask for the latest ‘Joaquin Phoenix’ single. You can trust me, or my name isn’t Timothy Westwood, the famous rap historian. But if my word isn’t enough, check this out:
‘Rap-Scallionz, a rap’ by Joaquin Phoenix
The sweaty breath of sorrow
The mutton chops of madness
The swollen popsicle of motherly love.
I am a son of a tough bitch,
Popped out like a leathery parcel
From a mad dog’s vagina.
Boingle boingle boingle.
The Rap-Scallionz are descending on St Petersberg.
“Even God’s bidet
Could never rinse