I'm Still Here

Hip hop enthusiasts! Put down your uzis and stop spelling letters with your fingers! There’s a hot new sound busting up the aural spectrum. Forget your Marky Mark, your Shabba Ranks and your MC Handpump. All of the real rap fans are grooving to a whole new scene. If you like your rhymez [sic] sick and your beatz [sic-er] dope, get down to your local record shop and ask for the latest ‘Joaquin Phoenix’ single. You can trust me, or my name isn’t Timothy Westwood, the famous rap historian. But if my word isn’t enough, check this out:

‘Rap-Scallionz, a rap’ by Joaquin Phoenix

The sweaty breath of sorrow

The mutton chops of madness

The swollen popsicle of motherly love.

I am a son of a tough bitch,

Popped out like a leathery parcel

From a mad dog’s vagina.

Boingle boingle boingle.

The Rap-Scallionz are descending on St Petersberg.

“And whoosh,

And whoosh”

He cried.

“Even God’s bidet

Could never rinse

My sins

Away.”

Joaquin Phoenix, who put on 40 kg for his role in 'I'm still here', with his pocket-sized buddy, Pascal Diddy.

Tags: Dog's Vagina, hip-hop, Hoax, I'm Still Here, Joaquin Phoenix, Mutton Chops of Madness, P Diddy, Puff Daddy, rap, Tim Westwood