Superheroes and Advertisements

 

Half-Price Sale on Dumplings at M&S

Advertising and comic-book superheroes have always gone hand in hand. But imagine what the advertising would look like in a world populated exclusively by superheroes. You know, like the one in that film “Superworld”. Now imagine you are travelling down a highway in Superworld, looking at all of the billboards, like a freckle-cheeked, travel-sick little boy in small blue shorts, peering out of the back window of his parents’ car, while they reproach each other monstrously in the front seats. Here is what you, i.e. poor little freckle-cheeks, might see:

A dogfood billboard advertisement. Thor has rabbit’s liver on his Nordic chin. “If it’s good enough for a god it’s good enough for your dog”.

This confuses the dyslexic superheroes.

Another billboard. The X-Men are in their underwear. Professor X kicks back in a chrome bathchair, aiming his jockstrap at the viewer, giving the psychic come-on to the brief-buying demographic.

Another billboard. Superman sucks on a red-Kryptonite cigarette, letting the misty vapours of meteor-induced moral ambivalence weasel up and all around his curious kiss-curl, like a sexy, curly weasel.

‘Wonder-Woman says “Drink mead from the teat of the sun”’

‘The Fantastic Four relax with a “Round-Eyes Plump-Crust Pizza Oval”’

‘Daredevil dares to use “No-Blobs Happy Tiles Roof Sealant”. Do you?’

Superhero Catchphrases

Grant Morrison, tense with catchphraser's block

Sorry agoraphobia fans: I have been culpably inactive on the writing front. Here’s an inadequate wisp of an entry to tide you over until Season 4 of The Agoraphobic Reviewer hits TV screens in September.

Everyone has a catchphrase these days: nuns, hairdressers, miners. I haven’t decided on a catchphrase yet, but I’ve managed to narrow it down to “Shingles!” and “Thank God it was Roger” (I’ll let you know which I settle on). But back before everyone else got on the catchphrase bandwagon, the only people keeping the noble art of catchphrasing alive were superheroes. Here are some of my favourites (write your own in the comments section):

Superman: “Satan’s horses are strong. But Superman is stronger”.

Red Kryptonite Superman: “Stick it in your ear Lois”

Spiderman: “Back to the Arachno-Pod!”

Fantastic Four: (said in unison) “No-one messes with El Cuatro!”

Batman: “Take heart, young man”

Captain America: “Here come the sanctions”

The Flash: “Hold on to my magical hamstrings, children”