Terminator Salvation: SPOILER ALERT!!!

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Feckless, ill-informed buckwheat that I am, it was only a matter of time before I was to be selected from among the cream of the international reviewing community to offer my thoughts on the new Terminator movie. My invitation came in a realistic chrome envelope, and pouched within were the details of the showing and a handwritten note from McG himself, telling me to keep up the good work and making some kind of robot-related pun that I didn’t really get. Anyway, here are my thoughts:

 

A red eye winks suggestively through the soupy mist. We hear the brittle clunk of cyborg activity. Human voices, faint and human, honk in the distance. It is clear now that the future has begun and that we are living in a ghastly dystopia, where humans are routinely dehumanised, and robots are routinely dehumanised also. Welcome to Hell. Terminator Hell.

 

Expectations have been riding high on this film ever since Kyle Reese fertilised Sarah Connor’s ovum with his futuristic seed way back in 1981. In Terminator 2 and 3 we gasped and shook our heads as humans and robots failed to overcome their bigoted attitudes towards one another, choosing the way of the gun over a sweet, healing parley. Now, maybe, at last, in 2009 (our time) and 2018 (their time), humans and robots can learn to live together.

 

But let me cut to the chase. There are some powerful moments in this film. When John Connor assassinated the King of the Terminators with a thunderous right hook, much like Daniel-Son in Karate Kid, decommissioning a bully with his funky crane style, we cheered. When Marcus, the cyborg, whipped out a lute and lulled a horde of randy Terminators to sleep with his ponderous melancholy song, like Daniel in the lion’s den, we cheered again. When the T-1000 (the liquid Terminator) disguised himself as a delicious glass of cranberry juice, only to be imbibed immoderately by a member of the resistance, and then turned himself into a horrid spiky ball and burst out of the resistance member’s gullet, we hissed, loud and long. And finally, when the Terminator theme tune kicked in, as John Connor broke in a bucking bronco (symbolising the gentle way in which he will one day domesticate the metallic beasts), we laughed uncynically.

 

This is a great film. It’s a great, great film. As with Charlie’s Angels, McG takes an existing franchise and spins it on its head with attitude. It is pumped. It is racked. It is full of throttle. It’s probably the best film I’ve ever seen.

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4 Responses to “Terminator Salvation: SPOILER ALERT!!!”

  1. oldrope Says:

    I am a big fan of these movies. Peter Weller puts in a touching, humane performance as the police officer.

    Paul Verhoeven is nothing short of this generation’s St Paul the Apostle.

    I like the bit where the gun comes out of his metal leg and they way he is judge , jury and executioner rolled into one.

    This film also has the most beasty tagline I have ever heardified: “PART MAN, PART MACHINE, ALL COP”

    Well done Agoraphobic Reviewer for once again not being afraid to tell it like it is.

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Hmm yes. Paul Verhoeven is St Paul the Apostle, I’m not disputing it, but, that scene where the cyborg cop uncrossed her legs and showed her ripe robotic flower was just a bit too H R Giger for my liking.

  3. oldrope Says:

    Are you serious? If anything that MADE Brideshead Revisited for me.

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    ‘J-j-j-jolly g-g-good of old Ter-ter-terminatress to give us a s-s-squint at it, eh f-f-f-fellows?’
    ‘I’ll say’

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