Digby, the Biggest Dog in the World

by

Although only a recalcitrant calumniator and all round humbug could ever even dream of accusing me of peddling cheap literary gimmicks and engaging in ostentatious displays of spurious learning, this entry comes in the form of a poem, in honour of our new poet laureate, Carol Ann Duffy, the greatest versifier I have never read. It concerns ‘Digby, the biggest dog in the world’, a film I have actually seen, but seen so long ago, when managing to defecate into the toilet was still something for which I could receive genuine and enthusiastic applause. I remember nothing about this film except what is already given in the title. So, with that in mind, Sing Heavenly Muse…

It’s a long title

For a minor film

But wait’ll you see that big-ass dog

Boy

Wait’ll you see that dog

Timmy was just a nobody

Short trousers

Pumps

And the mittens his mother made

When he was jus’ a squawling baby

Timmy’s face is a freckled ball

And his heart is an empty canoe

I tell you what you need

Timmy

You need a big-ass dog

Boy

You need a big-ass dog

This is what I’ll do for ya Timmy

I’ll take this here regular size St Bernard

An’ I’ll pump it full o’ gamma rays

’Cos I like ya Timmy

An’ you’re a good kid

It’s jus’ like they taught ya

In school, Timmy,

Dog + Radiation = Big Dog

So now, the dog’s grown big already

His nose is like one of them jellyfish

Like they got down in Californee

Timmy

Like they got down in Californee

Your problems will cease then

Timmy

You’ll ride that dog about like an Indian Prince

The bullies’ll back off

You’ll get more pussy than you can shake a stick at

Timmy

Imagine that

Eventually,

ol’ Digby’ll have to go

To the big kennel

In the sky

Leaving an unmanageable irradiated corpse

That you can’t do shit with Timmy.

A dirty great dog-corpse.

But think of all the fun

We’ll have before then

Timmy

You, me

And Digby makes three.

Two losers

And big-ass dog,

Timmy

Two losers

And a big-ass dog.

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4 Responses to “Digby, the Biggest Dog in the World”

  1. Joe Says:

    Aw. That’s the best poem about Digby I’ve ever read. I think you did well not to lower the tone and have a verse about cleaning up after Digby in the park.

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Thanks. You’re right. Puerility should be avoided at all costs.

  3. oldrope Says:

    I have not seen the film, but now I feel as though I have. I’ve no wept so openly since I last got undressed.

    Thanks once again Agoraphobic Reviewer for etc etc etc

  4. Joe Says:

    Puerility should be avoided you say? Well I’ll give anything a go once.

    And I foolishly missed the fact that you already did a shitting joke in the intro. Thereby dog-dirt references in the body of the poem would possibly over-egg the poop-pudding.

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