Once more I wax metrical and hear the whispers of the muse. On this occasion she sings of Dan Aronofsky’s indie film, Pi, which I have, inevitably, never seen. Here’s the poem

Maths-films rock

Says Dan Aronofsky

Finishing his fourth algebraic puzzle of the day

Plus, he says,

Chicks dig hypotenuse

And points to his wife Rachel Weisz

As if to prove this.

He draws his abacus

Fast and deadly

And, factoring in

Gravitational pull

And body mass

Computes just how much

Of a pussy magnet

He really is.

Answer = a lot of one

He senses that I am not convinced

By his equation.

He gets aggressive

Starts thumbing the abacus


As if it were my face

Spinning its colourful beads


Listen asswipe,

He says

I’ll spell this motherfucker

Out for you:

Let x = maths

And y = sexual prowess

X multiplied by me = y to the power of pi

Pi. The word activates

A neural pathway

In his mind, invoking

– like a mesmerist interpolating

An errant phantom –

Memories of his

Former life

Before the madness.

Pi was a sweet film

He maintains

It blew those maths-hating bitches

Out of the water.

I wouldn’t know,

I reply,

I haven’t seen it

Nor do I intend to.

Aronofsky, enraged,

Gets geometrical

On my ass.


6 Responses to “Pi”

  1. oldrope Says:

    I was talking about this film only the other day. Is this an alarming sign that Old Rope and the Agoraphobic Reviewer are becoming dangerously synchronised? I hope not. Partly because I see little merit in John le Baptiste reviewing kittens he has never seen and partly because he is a repugnant oaf whom I wouldn’t share a continent with, let alone a personality trait.

  2. Joe Says:

    Is this the film about Magnum? The guy with the bushy ‘tache? I never knew he was a maths-type guy.

  3. johnlebaptiste Says:

    It’s all true Joe, Burt Reynolds was one numerate hombre.

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Old Rope and John le Baptiste are one beast

    One hideous, varicose, bilious, Pi-citing beast.

  5. Joe Says:

    So ol’ Burt’s a number-wrangler, huh? Well that explains this quote from Smokey and the Bandit:

    Carrie: I think I just went 10-100.
    Bandit: Better than 10-200.
    Carrie: [a little flustered] Yes that’s true.
    [they both laugh]

  6. The Wrestler « The Agoraphobic Reviewer Says:

    […] a year ago, I reviewed Aronofsky’s film Pi in the form of a poem. I still haven’t seen it, you will be relieved to hear. Nor have I seen his more recent film, The […]

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