I’ve not seen either the Michael Caine or the Jude Law versions of Alfie as I find promiscuity and cockneys equally abhorrent. I have however written a poem about both or either:


Step into my pleasurepod

Take off your flip-flops



Help yourself to a

Fruit drink

12 different fruits

Went into that drink

I squeezed them


For you

With my hands


The juice

Is still on my



Can you feel the twelve juices

Working you

Refreshing you

Circulating round your being?


I could be those juices


Am I being too forward?

If I am forward

It is because

I desire you

With all ten of my juicy fingers

And all one of my tiny juicy heart


Now excuse me

While I look at the camera

And chatter

Like a little

Cockney bumblebee

Don’t worry

I’m not talking about you


5 Responses to “Alfie”

  1. Nobody Says:

    This lyric mos. def. applies to the remake, a.k.a. as The Caine Mutiny.

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Really? How so?

  3. Nobody Says:

    Michael Caine wouldn’t be caught dead seducing a woman with ten juicy fingers.

    Whereas Jude Law will be caught dead seducing a woman with ten juicy fingers.

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Ho ho. I get you. Caine’s fingers are looking somewhat dejuiced these days, like sunbaked raisins.

  5. oldrope Says:

    Nobody, has it escaped your notice that Jude Law has 11 fingers? He didn’t overcome this and become an actor so that people could draw attention away from that fact.

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