Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince


Tinkering with a cold war-era soup vending machine beneath the severe strip lights of my local bus terminal, I discovered a sweet portal to a magical realm. It was a wondrous place, where humans talked to each other from great distances on little rectangles and where films could be beamed directly into their eyeballs via a powerful blue ray (well, I assume that is what their curious phrase ‘Blu-Ray’ referred to). In this fantastical domain, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince had already been released. So I watched it. Here is my review

The title initially earmarked for this film was ‘Hogwarts Academy 6: Muggles on Parade’. It is not hard to see why. Obviously J. K. Rowling and her movie-making familiars have realised that if any film franchise holds the key to longevity it is the Police Academy series. So it is that young Daniel Radcliffe pouts and thrusts like old Steve Guttenberg but with added warlock juice. Similarly, Emma Thomson’s character has been reimagined – out are the jam-jar glasses and self-effacement, and in is a brazen, commanding ’tude and an adamantine cleavage. Dumbledore’s grinning, dribbling face after he gets a forceful dunking ’twixt those monumental edifices is a real treat. Such is his confused titillation that he summons a Swedish Short-Snout to bear him away to the icy fjords of Scandinavia, wherein he might cool his revived libido. Spicy.

Apart from this departure, the film, thankfully does what all of the other Harry Potter films have done. Hermione crumples her face up like an old packet of crisps and clips her vowels like Sweeney Todd clipped hair. Ron is a dappled stutterlump who, like Harry, says ‘mate’ too much. Why is this? I know if I were a teenage wizard I would say things like “Troubalicious”, “fuggle” and “It’s cauldron time, babes”. I certainly wouldn’t talk like all of the other jabbering, flap-mouthed muggles who call themselves the British public. It’s highly vexing.

Potter fans will also be excited to learn that in this film we find out what happened to Voldemort’s nose (SPOILER ALERT: it got bitten off by a horse). There are other exciting twists and reveals too. Harry, it transpires, was not born of mortal woman, but was instead grown from a turnip seed in a dirty old meadow (this explains his magical powers); Ron and Hermione get it on (this sequence will probably upset and disturb most viewers who aren’t Larry Clark); and, finally, sadly, the talking hat dies after being chewed to pieces by jingoistic moths.

In conclusion, this film pushed all of the right buttons. It weaved its delightful spell round my enchanted imagination and transported me to a magical world of adventure and fun. Just as I had hoped it would.


9 Responses to “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”

  1. oldrope Says:

    Would you recommend this as a good entry film for someone who has not seen any of this series of special interest foreign flicks?

    Also, I have not read any of the books from which the films are cribbed. But having once been a child, I have read children’s books at some stage in my life and feel this must equip me to some degree to estimate the paucity of their content…

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Hmm, no. You’re a bit of a muggle Old Rope, and muggles aren’t allowed to watch Harry Potter films. It’s against the law (wizard law). I’d stick with Jumanji or some feeble-ass shit like that, to quote Donald Rumsfeld.

  3. Banjo Fett Says:

    This is the film where young Harry and his crew finally grow up. There’s some dark goings-on in the piece: Harry wards off some bad witchy juju by manipulating a boar like only a sow should, Hermione bogels for shillings and the ginger one dies. I heard the studio spent thousands of groats on making Harry’s wispy bumfluff disappear… now that’s magic HAHA.

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    It’s definitely the most pubic installment, I agree.

  5. Banjo Fett Says:

    Interesting point you made on the discourse of Potter and co. Rowling is clearly attempting to reach out to today’s hoodie-wearing, happy-slapping, Bebo-obsessed, stabby youth. And you can’t blame her: that’s where the smart money is.

    This is most evident in the scene where Potter says: “Yo check dis shit out, blood! Proper YouTube material, innit. Alakazam an’ some shit!” before conjuring a dragon to bear him and his quaffle through the hoop to score the winning goal against Ravenclaw. It was well bum.

  6. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Well bum. Ho ho. Quidditch, Yeah!

  7. oldrope Says:

    Old Rope’s 3 Word Review:
    The Worst Witch

  8. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Never again will I dare to write on Harry Potter again. Check out this slice of genius:

  9. johnlebaptiste Says:

    And check out this out too while you’re at it. Another piece of the Neely masterpiece:

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