I weep for Michael Jackson. He is dead. As a youth I watched Moonwalker and was inspired and entertained and awed. I remember nothing about the film or how I felt about it. But I was inspired and entertained etc. So here is my tribute to the proud regent of pop, in the form of a tiny truncated review.

It is a tragic fact that most children do not know what a young dog looks like. 97% of infants believe that they look like mice. This is an unacceptable statistic. Such were the thoughts of Michael Jackson when reading an article on the subject in National Geographic in the early 1990s. Most people would shed a solitary dewdrop from their eye at this point and get on with their lives. But Michael Jackson was not like most people. He was a philanthropist and a transformer. He was a sort of real-life Messiah. And so, putting down the pathos-inspiring thinkpiece, he turned himself into a talking speedboat and set off to rectify the situation, followed by a camera crew.

Upon hitting dry land Michael Jackson mutated into a fast, fashionable car and raced up the high street with urgency of Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. “Children” he shouted in a cool robotic voice, “children, which of you would like to come and see some puppies?” The response was enthusiastic. History was made. History was made. The children saw some small dogs and cheered. Michael then recorded some music so unbelievably groundbreaking that no-one even recognised that it was music. In fact the music was so incredible and influential that everyone forgot about the puppies and the children and just boogied on down to the wild new sound. The film ends with Michael Jackson dying, being resurrected in the form of a missile, then dying again. Which is, uncannily, exactly what happened in reality.


9 Responses to “Moonwalker”

  1. Banjo Fett Says:

    Moonwalker met his match in the moon-waggler though. And I did not know he was a Transformer. Then again, my favourite film is ‘How to put up shelves without taking your hat off’ featuring Ken Border-Collie.

  2. Banjo Fett Says:

    Who would win in a fight between Moonwalker, Moonraker and Moonlighting, starring Bruce Willis (sans vest)?

    My money’s on the space shuttle.

  3. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Jackson WAS the moon-waggler. It’s legal up there, see.

  4. oldrope Says:

    I thought you weren’t allowed to talk about him waggling and children in the same sentence…?

    I suggest you take legal advice.

    Although he is now dead which, if my rudimentary grasp of The Law is correct (and it is seldom wrong), gives you free reign to say what you like about the childabusing granny-raping crack-addicted junkie dickless gun-running mafia bastard. RIP Michael, I love you even in death

  5. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Like Mark Anthony at Caesar’s graveside. Thank you for the words, Old Rope, thank you.

  6. Banjo Fett Says:


  7. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Yes, Banjo Fett, I’m afraid so. Colin Jackson died on Thursday. He tripped over a hurdle and bonked his head on the asphalt, fatally. The British Athletic Association is thinking of renaming the 200m sprint ‘Colin’s race’ in tribute to the late runner.

  8. Nobody Says:

    The concept of Michael Jackson starring in a live-action adaptation of the freudian fantasy Turbo Teen is indeed enticing, but it is still some comfort to know that M.J. already has robot pals who transform into musical instruments — and that he himself wields a Care Bear-like power to transform robots into humans — in the Coppola-directed and Lucas-produced 3-D film Captain EO.

    If ever there were a physical manifestation of Le Baptiste’s psychical projections, this is it.

  9. Banjo Fett Says:

    First JFK and now this. I’m going to have to sit down.

    That’s better. My favourite Jacko tune was the one that goes: “BEN. NER-NER-NER-NER JUST THE TWO OF US…. BEN. MM-MM-MM-MMM JUST BECAUSE.”

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