Unnecessary sequels part 3


Everyone likes a good chuckle. That’s why my third and final unnecessary sequel is a sequel to the “wip-woawingly funny” (Jonathan Ross) book, The Diary of Anne Frank. I’ve named the sequel ‘The Diary of Anne Frank 2: The Diary of Hank Frank’. The diary referred to in the title is actually written by Anne’s second cousin Hank, because I think Anne died in the first one, you see. I’m not entirely sure ’bout that because my wife never watched all of the BBC teleplay about it, so she doesn’t know how it ended. I’ve also stayed true to the original source material by writing it in the form of a ‘book’, which is what people downloaded before there were any films with explosions and boobs in.

Anyway, this is Banjo Fett’s final ‘Unnecessary sequel’ so ENJOY IT.

The Diary of Anne Frank 2: The Diary of Hank Frank

Tuesday, 12 June 1942

Watched Top Gear. Fish for tea. Nazis knocked again but I pretended to be out.

Sunday, 17 June 1942

Went to the roller-disco. Was full of Nazis. Bit annoying really as they kept roller-skating really fast and bumping into other people.

Wednesday, 20 June 1942

Heard Public Enemy for the first time today. Man, Chuck D’s lyrics really speak to me, even though I’m white Jewish. Oy vey, I wish I could channel my anger constructively like Chuck D does.

Tuesday 3 July 1942

Had French toast for breakfast. The Nazis call it Gypsy toast and kill people for eating it. Bastards.

Thursday 5 July 1942

Really enjoying the current series of Last of the Summer Wine. I wish it was real. I’d be Compo. I give it eight out of ten.

Saturday 7 July 1942

Started learning the trombone. Relieves the boredom when I’m hiding from the Nazis in the attic.

Sunday 8 July 1942

When I said ‘hiding from the Nazis in the attic’, I meant that I hide in the attic, not the Nazis. There’s no Nazis in my attic.

Monday 16 July 1942

Found some Nazis hiding in my attic.


The End


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12 Responses to “Unnecessary sequels part 3”

  1. johnlebaptiste Says:

    ‘Nazis in the attic’ – isn’t that a daytime TV program? I saw an episode the other day in which someone got £200 for a Nazi they found in their attic. Quids in!

  2. oldrope Says:

    I hate happy endings, but this one made be extra specially sad.

    Le Baptiste, I think you are muddling it with the show where they come in and redecorate your Nazi whilst you are out, then film you looking all shocked when you come back to find him in pink flipflops and a garish vest…

  3. Banjo Fett Says:

    You see, what I did, oldrope, was lull you into a false sense of security (there are NO Nazis in the attic) while foreshadowing the tragic conclusion, then (BAM!) immediately hit you with the completely unexpected plot twist (there are SOME Nazis in the attic). So ner.

    In terms of daytime television featuring Nazis, the one that springs to mind is the one hosted by Herr Jeremy Kyle.

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Is it really your last post Mester Fett? Or is it a metaphorical last gig, like Ziggy Stardust retiring and coming back as the Thin White Duke. The latter I hope.

    Jeremy Kyle is appearing in a new reality TV show in which he works at Poundland for a month. It’s called Bargain Cunt.

  5. Banjo Fett Says:

    It is to be my final ‘Unnecessary sequel’, there shall be no more o’ them.

    But I have other things to scribe, if I may if I might. Like this haiku:

    Tree. A poet tree.
    Your poet tree has no fruit.
    So I chopped it down.

  6. Nobody Says:

    I am appalled and, frankly, offended by the historical anachronisms rife throughout this ‘Diary’.

    12 June 1942 fell on a Friday, not a Tuesday, etc., as depicted above.

    It would be easy enough simply to make the correction mentally whilst reading, and imagine the correct day of the week for each entry. But now that the credibility of the whole account has been flung into doubt, there is no way of knowing whether the dates are correct and only the days of the week are inaccurate, or vice versa!

    Wouldn’t it be more likely for Hank Frank to have noted the day of the week correctly, but got the date wrong? For example, maybe he was mistakenly using an old calendar, say, of 1934.

    But were that to be settled, how would we then know whether the Tuesday on which Herr Frank watched Top Gear was actually 9 June 1942 or 16 June 1942? Needless to say, the bewildered reader is left floundering in a puddle of Socratic aporia from which there is no escape.

  7. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I used to correct dates mentally as I read things until my brain got infected with the millenium bug. Now I am a pariah.

    Yes, more things please Mester Fett, be they prose, verse, or a combination of the two (prerse).

  8. Banjo Fett Says:

    With regard to your complaint around possible chronological errors, Sir Nobody:


  9. johnlebaptiste Says:

    No way. Those anachronisms had muggle written all over them. Wizards rule.

  10. Banjo Fett Says:

    Look, Hank Frank lived in a parallel universe where the days of the week were different. Any other discrepancies you might find, like plot-holes and such, are because of a wizard.

  11. oldrope Says:

    I found holes in my wizard’s plot.

    I also found wholes in my wizards plot.

    I also fawned whores in my winkles scrot

  12. Banjo Fett Says:

    This is starting to get interesting.

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