Star Trek III


I like Star Trek an awful lot for reasons I have never been able to ascertain. While I’ve seen pretty much every television episode, somehow Star Trek III has managed to escape my geeksome gaze. With my compendious knowledge of all things Trek I feel that I can make a very well-informed guess about the content of this film. Behold:

Star Trek III was reviled by censors and conservative reviewers because of its incorporation of frank bodily imagery alongside its customary abstruse technobabble. One particularly controversial scene involved Captain James Tiberius Kirk accidentally quaffing a vial of Nebari oestrogen and spontaneously sprouting a vagina. Racked by shame Kirk hides in a dilithium crystal container, only to be discovered by Leonard ‘Bones’ McCoy who growls ‘Show us your quim, Jim’ in his authoritative motorcycle-esque vocal style. Kirk eventually relents and, in a somewhat Cronenbergian tableau, allows Bones to peer at his unwanted new organ through a nuclear-powered magnifying glass. This did not go down well with the critics nor indeed with the diehard Trekkies. Throughout the scene however DeForest Kelley (who plays Bones) sports a look of insane delight that cannot be explained solely with reference to the fact that he is acting.

This was not all. The Klingons of this film resemble neither the boot-polished Russians of the original franchise nor indeed the Cornish Pasty-browed ogres of the later series. Instead they are played by CGI grizzly bears in bondage outfits. To date no-one involved with the production of Star Trek IV has accepted responsibility for this curious and ill-advised innovation. It should be noted however that William Shatner has often been heard in the bars of Hollywood drunkenly declaiming ‘shit… nothing gets me going like a bear in a bra. Shheeriously buddy, you’ve gotta try it’.

The plot of this film involves a trumpet-playing Cardassian goblin (think a Stalin-era Rumpelstiltskin) hypnotising the crew of the Starship Enterprise and making them attack the peace-loving Bajorans so that he might steal all of their delicious honey (for which the Bajorans are intergalactically renowned). Using only his aloofness and his powerful eyebrows, Dr Spock manages to resist the trumpet-hypnosis and hatches a wily scheme to scupper the goblin’s evil plans. Just as the goblin throws down a sweet little Vulcan pentatonic scale on his trumpet, signalling that the attack is to commence, Spock runs out from behind a holographic tree and kicks him powerfully in his tiny bottom. The blow is fatal. The spell is released. Ordinary service resumes aboard the Starship Enterprise. Kirk regains male genitalia and regresses back into his usual lascivious behaviour, licking his lips and winking at anything putatively female. The film ends with him chasing a young ensign around the bridge in a Benny Hill fashion.

In a word: Goblin-tastic!


7 Responses to “Star Trek III”

  1. oldrope Says:

    This is the sort of filth I am prepared to spend my film pennies on

  2. oldrope Says:

    Incidentally, in the “Possibly related posts underneath” wordpress offered something called “This post is about Star Trek and porn”. In fitting Agoraphobic Reviewer style I did not read it but can guess as to its contents

  3. John Le Baptiste Says:

    Do tell Old Rope.

  4. Banjo Fett Says:

    I hovered my mouse over it for ages but the preview window remained blank. I’m not clicking just in case there’s a picture of Leonard Nimoy waving a rubber fist at a Ferengi wearing a ball-gag.

  5. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I note with shame that I said that Kirk quaffed ‘Nebari Oestrogen’. No doubt you have all been too polite to point out my monstrous mistake: namely, that the Nebari belong to the Farscape not the Star Trek universe. How embarrassing. I am resigning my commission as under-secretary of the Young Warlocks’ Roleplay Society in consequence and offering my head up to anyone who cares to spit upon it, like Salome and John the Baptist rolled into one.

  6. Banjo Fett Says:

    Haha. Come on everyone, let’s all point and laugh at JLB.

  7. john le baptiste Says:

    I wish the earth would open up and swallow me whole. Will this shame never abate?

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