I was going through some bins the other day, largely out of boredom,  when I found this letter. It concerned the film Transformers and appeared to be written by Nick Griffin, the famous cock-eyed Nazi paedophile. The fact that the letter was written in wax crayon and smelt of haemorrhoid cream seemed to suggest that the author was who he claimed to be. Anyway, it may be of interest to those who have seen Transformers. I haven’t, of course.

Dear Michael Bay,

Firstly, allow me to congratulate you on your impressive oeuvre. Heat is one of my favourite films. I have seen it at least once. Therefore: congratulations. Secondly, I write to you as a concerned and aggrieved citizen who has nowhere else to turn. You, sir, are widely celebrated for the rigorous social conscience you bring to bear on all of your works. I know that my litany of woes will not fall on deaf ears nor indeed will my request go unheeded. But before I present my suit, I feel I should apprise you of the recent course of events which has led to the writing of this letter.

Two weeks ago I was slurping contentedly on pig eyes and honey roast noodles at a public dining hall. The wine flowed freely and the general atmosphere was one of a medieval banquet, except without the poor hygiene and feudalism. I gazed across at my boon companions, A-Dog and Dr Ian Botham, who reciprocated my warm gaze of platonic friendship fully and unstingily. But this could not last. After placing a noodle into my mouth I attempted to bite down on the greasy morsel, and felt the harsh coldness of sentient metal betwixt my molars. It was not a noodle. It was a Decepticon. Leaping acrobatically from my mouth the vicious creature transformed itself from a honey roast noodle into a miniscule red robot. He proceeded to dance with his dirty chrome-alloy shoes all over my dinner whilst racially abusing me. I was horrified, sir, horrified.

As a keen reader of the news I know that you will have heard of similar incidents. It is getting out of control and is yet another indictment of Brown’s Broken Britain. The left-wing liberal press have defended and tolerated these Decepticons for too long. I have seen whole families of Decepticons claiming social benefit and then going on to turn themselves into Union Jack flags and burn themselves into little bits. My father did not risk his life in the battle of Tattooine for this. I am sure you share my sense of profound outrage.

As a film-maker it is your responsibility to show the public the state of things such as they really are. I request therefore that you make a film showing the Decepticons in their true colours. You could call it Transformers and have some good robots (to appease the political-correctness-gone-mad brigade) and also some good-looking humans in it too. Those are just some suggestions; you can have them for free. My reward will be seeing this awful mess we have got ourselves into mended.

Yours uberfuhrerly,

Nick Griffin


5 Responses to “Transformers”

  1. Banjo Fett Says:

    Good find, JLB. Funnily enough, there was an interesting article on Griffin in this month’s Viz, where he discussed Darwin’s theory of evolution. Luckily for Griffin he is descended from white, British monkeys, otherwise he’d be on the first boat back to Africa.

    Also, the Autobot Bumblebee is a gay icon. How, I wonder, does Griffin feel about that, being a closet gay chap. And why won’t he just come out of the closet?

    Maybe we’ll see him strutting angrily round Brussells in a Bumblebee outfit sometime soon. The potential headlines write themselves: ‘Bumbling Bummer’s Brussells Bumblebee Bigotry’. And such and so forth.

  2. john le baptiste Says:

    I’m not sure he’s gay per se, though his love for Hitler clearly exceeds the customary parameters of hero-worship.

    As I understand it the only way he can get off is by pleasuring himself inside a Robinson’s marmalade jar while imagining Enoch Powell’s head on the body of a centaur. This said, he is unquestionably the biggest paedophile the world has ever seen, if indeed paedophilia can be quantified, which it can (in units of Glitter).

  3. Banjo Fett Says:

    I see. I heard a rumour he’s gay but too scared to come out. And I believe every rumour I hear, just in case.

  4. John Le Baptiste Says:

    In that case he’s even more confused than we thought. Who can solve the riddle of his existence?

  5. Banjo Fett Says:


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