Brad Pitt to star in Benny Hill biopic!

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Hark ye to this Agoraphobic Reviewer exclusive! The story is so exclusive that you will probably not read it anywhere else, ever.

Brad Pitt is to play Benny Hill in an upcoming biopic of the corpulent, busy-handed comedian. Speaking to a journalist, Brad said that ‘he had always been a fan of Benny Hill’s work, even before either of them existed and were but abstract potentialities swimming, as ’twere, through the soupy cosmos of what-might-be.’ Asked what he liked about Hill’s work, Pitt immediately replied ‘the ass-grabbing, bro, the ass-grabbing’.

Christopher Nolan will direct the project, entitled ‘The Fastest Milkman in the West’ and it is hoped he will bring some of the dark psychological intensity of his earlier work to this piece too. Nolan is on record as saying that ‘Benny Hill’s off-centre, speeded-up experience of reality, his powerful obsession with ladies’ bottoms and his refusal to show us the ‘real’ Benny Hill behind his charismatic persona would make for an excellent Christopher Nolan film.’

The project has of course had its share of detractors, including the late Bernard Manning, who took a break from being skewered by demons on a rack of eternal damnation, to say that ‘Benny Hill was not racist enough to have a film made about him’. Jeremy Clarkson shouted words to a similar effect when the Agoraphobic Reviewer had the misfortune to bump into him in a pub toilet, struggling to adjust his catheter within his tight Levi jeans.

Moby is composing the soundtrack.

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4 Responses to “Brad Pitt to star in Benny Hill biopic!”

  1. Banjo Fett Says:

    So he finally turned to hardcore porn, huh? I knew it. That’s why he grew a ‘tache.

    Zack Snyder’s pencilled in as second-unit director. He’s gonna put mega slow-mo on the speeded up chases, so the audience can fully appreciate the ass-grabs.

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Hmmm. Matrix-style groping shots. Might just work…

  3. oggybleacher Says:

    not much makes me laugh these days but this made me laugh

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Thank ye Oggy. Kind o you to say. I don’t laugh much these days either, unless you count typing out the letters LOL, in which case I’m basically Santa Claus.

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