A one sentence review of True Blood, highlighting a hitherto underexplored improbability in one of its central premises, pertaining to matters neurological and dermatological as well as reproductive, to which is appended a glossary, by the author of ‘Screen Legends 1: Peter O’ Toole’

by

Surely, I thought to myself, as two of the characters from True Blood cleaved to and chafed against one another like amorous, melanomic lobsters, those sub-Mason-Dixon-Line Americans are too stunted to know where to put it.

Glossary:

Lobster: a streamlined crab

Myself: a less streamlined me

America: the result of a 1956 experiment in which 150 million people were cloned from one of Bob Hope’s hair cells. Like the Boys from Brazil, but benign.

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11 Responses to “A one sentence review of True Blood, highlighting a hitherto underexplored improbability in one of its central premises, pertaining to matters neurological and dermatological as well as reproductive, to which is appended a glossary, by the author of ‘Screen Legends 1: Peter O’ Toole’”

  1. oldrope Says:

    Well I loved it

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Mr Old Rope sir. You appear to think this is some kind of forum for reasoned discussion and informed exchange of opinions. You are correct: it is. Bearing that in mind, I fort it were alreight.

  3. oldrope Says:

    Sorry I got my typing fingers on the wrong way round. I meant to say that “I shoved it”. Binwards.

    As, sir, I now do to thee. Do you prefer wheelie or Oscar the Grouch style metal can?

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Liar. You’re all about it. And wasn’t that you and Yoko Ono I saw on TV hyperventilating in the queue for the premiere of New Moon?

  5. Banjo Fett Says:

    What is it with rubbish, moody, ‘sexy’ vampires these days? It’s a big cynical marketing shit-storm. I want to see more hard-drinking, sweary, fighty vampires, like Cassidy out of Preacher.

  6. Banjo Fett Says:

    By the way, if you’ve ever wanted to know how many baboons you could take in a fight, armed only with a giant dildo, you can find out here: http://theoatmeal.com/quiz/baboon_dildo

    I could take 48. Not bad.

  7. johnlebaptiste Says:

    What do you mean by ‘take’?

    That’s a good point about moody vampires. I’d like to see more Kenneth Williams and Noel Coward-style vampires, who are too posh to bite anyone and instead make waspish asides from within their velveteen capes.

  8. Banjo Fett Says:

    Ah, ‘take’ is a typo. I actually meant ‘cake’.

  9. johnlebaptiste Says:

    In that case, I could cake 49 baboons in a fight armed only with a gigantic dildo and an industrial-sized baster.

  10. Nobody Says:

    If I learned anything from the film ‘Bruno’, it is that if someone defending himself with a dildo is funny, then someone defending himself with two dildos must necessarily be twice as funny.

  11. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Ah, hello viewer. Today on Blog Review we’re discussing dildos. So, Professor Wu, you were suggesting that the increasing economic clout of the People’s Republic will transform the way we look at, use and attack each other with sex aids. Please, continue…

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