Screen Legends 2: Armand Assante


Armand Assante is all gizzard and no comb. That is to say, the core of his acting ability lies in his neck, which he can inflate and deflate like a balloon-throated warble-tit or, as it is known in the Antipodean wilds wherein it abides, a facking bustard, on account of the ‘fack-fack’ noise it makes when in heat. Indeed, in Australia, where Assante is more famous than Dolph Lungren and Jason Bateman (individually, not put together), he is affectionately called the Facking Bustard.

Assante has starred in more than 3000 films. Here are a few of them: ‘Unsafe Danger’, ‘The Wishing Well’, ‘Submarine!’, ‘Who’s Gonna Kill All These Boglins?’, ‘Meat Buttons’, ‘Mitten Bitch’, ‘Slapdown’, ‘Moby Dick’, ‘An Incensed Ninja’, ‘Cicero: the life of a Latin Lover’, ‘Nicholas Bottom’, ‘Monkey Fun’, ‘HIV Bomb’, ‘Slapdash’, ‘Hungry for Muffins’, ‘Michaelmas Treat’, ‘Hunter/Hunted’, ‘Slap ‘n’ Tickle’, ‘You Gotta Be Kidding Me’, ‘Slushy’, ‘Let’s Go, Men!’, ‘Nightmarish Dreams’, ‘Node’, ‘Diode’, ‘Cathode’, ‘Catheter’, ‘Catherine of Aragon’, ‘Deathmeat’. Notably, Assante has never appeared in a sequel because he believes them to be ‘tawdry’ and ‘loathsome’.

Many of Assante’s films will undoubtedly be lost in the slurry of time. But in ‘Deathmeat’ Assante has a monument to himself that will endure until judgement day. Yea, upon that occasion, when St Peter and the Archangel Michael and Jesus and his dad assemble on one side, and the Antichrist and the Whore of Babylon and Jeremy Clarkson assemble on the other, perhaps, in a brief moment of repose in between the fearsome battles, they will put aside their differences as did the Germans and the British on Christmas day during World War 1. But instead of playing football as the soldiers did, they will sit down to watch ‘Deathmeat’ and enjoy a moment of sweet aesthetic bliss before the world ends and the fate of the universe is settled for ever. Perhaps St Peter will say ‘Armand sure injects that inanimate shank of deathmeat with pathos. I’ve never seen anyone imitate a pork chop so movingly.’ And the Whore of Babylon will laughingly agree and have a swig of Vimto. Then, as Assante’s proud, gizzardy face fades into the credits, the holy war will renew and life as we know it will be over.


9 Responses to “Screen Legends 2: Armand Assante”

  1. oldrope Says:

    You’ll be lost in the slurry of rhyme. When I rap yo ass off.

    See how that doesn’t even rhyme? that’s cos a) I aint got goin yet bruv and b) cos my rhymes are so hot they dont even need to rhyme.

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Your rhymes are weak, like a beak.
    My rhymes are strong, like Tron(g).

  3. Banjo Fett Says:

    My shit be dope.
    Because I swallowed half a kilo of coke,
    wrapped up in rubber johnnies.

    I’m like Prince Charlie:
    Motherfuckin’ Bonny.

    My rhymes is bigs.
    Like Ronnie.

    But I don’t wear wigs,
    Or eat figs with my scones, see?

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    This is a slam! I challenge Old Rope and Banjo Fett to compose a four-line rap on the subject of Armand Assante’s gusset. The winner gets a ploughman’s lunch with the man himself, subject to approval from his agents.

  5. Banjo Fett Says:

    Armand Van Helden,
    Is the wrong Armand.
    Take these pants and smell dem.
    It’s Assante’s essence, canned.

    Can I request an extra pickled onion with my ploughman’s?

  6. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Smell dem. Titter.

    We have a winner. The Kingdom of the Pickled Onions shall be thine, my son, yea, and everything in it.

    Armand says that a Tuesday or a Thursday is good for the Ploughman’s Lunch except for next week because he’s going Leprechaun hunting in Guatemala with Michael J. Fox.

  7. Banjo Fett Says:

    Bloody Fox, that’s the second time he’s usurped me. The first being when he got cast for the lead role in Teen Wolf.

    By the way, I’ve started abbreviating the name of this blog in conversations and in my mind and whatnot. I now call it ‘Ag-Phob-Rev’. I’d appreciate it if everyone would use this abbreviation from now on. I believe it’ll speed things up and increase productivity and that. It also sounds much more streamlined and swooshy.

  8. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Mind abbreviations. Nice. Here are some of my own:

    TAOTGY – They’re all out to get you
    OTIIW – On the inside I’m weeping
    W-TIT – What time is tea?

    Let’s have some more of yours.

  9. Banjo Fett Says:

    OCTOPUS – ‘Oh crumbs, there’s only pink underwear in stock!’
    IBPI87 – ‘I blame the pickle incident of 87’
    GANC – ‘Got any nice clasps?’

    These are the ones I use most frequently. There are probably more.

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