Screen Legends 3: Matt Le Blanc


Matt Le Blanc is chiefly known for impersonating a stout sybarite, led by his overweening priapism and nauseating gluttony to the very brink of damnation. A confirmed fornicator, given to lewd ribaldry and base dissipation, who, when satiated, lay with a belly swelling up to the heavens as if to affront his maker, in a bed besmeared with sweetmeats, quince and sperm: the character of Joey in the hit sitcom ‘Friends’ was so memorable that he got his own spin-off show. Sadly, it tanked. But, as Barack Obama pointed out in a speech to a Wisconsin Women’s Methodist group, “there are only so many jokes you can make about being a fat man-slag before it just gets depressing.”

‘Friends’ taught us that wherever you go, you will always have friends. It also taught us that a social network comprised of an equal number of males and females could repopulate a city if each couple had four children and their courting habits were strictly regulated to prevent inbreeding. Yea, Joey and Phoebe begat Joshua and Sara who begat Noah and Ruth who begat Ralphy and Zipper who, unfortunately, didn’t get round to begetting as Season 9 was never aired.

Besides ‘Friends’ and ‘Joey’, Matt Le Blanc has only starred in ‘Lost in Space’, in which he plays a plump astronaut who is impregnated, against his will, by a sinister Caucasian arachno-pod. The irony was not lost on anyone, least of all Le Blanc. After a huge egg pops out of his rectal cavity and cracks, allowing a thousand nasty little spiders to hatch and scuttle all over the space ship, Le Blanc looks down at his brood and winks. ‘How you doin’?’ he exclaims, lasciviously, as the scene ends and Le Blanc fails to get another significant movie role for a few years.



12 Responses to “Screen Legends 3: Matt Le Blanc”

  1. Banjo Fett Says:

    I only liked him in that spoof WW2 sitcom where he played a sexually-frustrated Adolf Hitler. He sent himself up, laudably, with the catchphrase, “How you Jewin’?”

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:


  3. Banjo Fett Says:

    I’ll get my cape.

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I’ll get my crepe.

  5. oldrope Says:

    I’ll gape my grope

  6. oldrope Says:

    PS I rather liked this one. What’s up, are you ill?

  7. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I expect it was the unnecessary reference to rectal cavities that sealed the deal for you Old Rope. Either that or your enthusiasm for the kind of televisual sofa-based chummy chuckles propagated by the likes of Friends has not waned with the passing of the years.

  8. oldrope Says:

    My best friend is a sofa, leave it out

  9. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Readers may be interested to learn that Old Rope, of fame is currently inviting suggestions for his list of great opening lines in songs. Here’s one from the Friends theme tune:

    When you’ve got no friends/ You should get yourself some friends/ Or just a friend

    I also like the following couplet from a song that Old Rope composed when he and I were studying to be priests in Liverpool:

    It’s dark, it’s locked, it’s sweaty/ Grab yourself a Brian/ Or a Betty.

  10. oldrope Says:

    Yeah but you were just showboating back then. I had to show you what to do with a Brian. You couldn’t look me in the eye afterwards… My mind’s, my all-seeing, nor my racial-slur-genital-related-slang-term

  11. oldrope Says:

    And you forgot that little rhyme you used to sing to help send me to sleep, as you sfotly stroked my hair from your vantage point through the window…
    “Fuck my bucket, go on and suck it
    If there’s hairs then pluck it, guess where I’VE stuck it…”

  12. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Those Brians are really difficult to operate, even with the manual.

    Re: the latter tune, you’ve obviously got my songs mixed up with the Shirley Bassey songbook.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: