What Women Want


I have, of course, never seen What Women Want, as I am already privy to the supposedly abstruse information to which the title of this film alludes. Yes, I’ll tell you what women want: food, water, shelter, warm clothing, oxygen, daylight. Fickle creatures. Here is my review of What Women Want:

Dead-eyed leatherneck. God-humping pork-for-brains. Wearisome sperm-sack. Nazi homunculus. Australian cadaver. Scrotum-faced inquisitor. Zealous pig-man. Rind Head. Holocaust-lovin’ colostomy bag model. There are many appellations for Mel Gibson, each of them reflecting a different facet of his unique and sparkling personality.

In What Women Want, Mel Gibson plays a louche and callow beavis who hawks his love from woman to woman like a disreputable seller of abject souvenirs. He is a fishy little monkey and the scourge of maidenheads everywhere. But then, through divine intervention, he develops a powerful form of telepathy that allows him to read the minds of females. Where once he was privy only to their melancholy loins, now he is the confidante of their most inmost hearts.

Inevitably, perhaps, Mel is disgusted by the lack of piety in the minds of modern womenfolk, and calls upon the Great Jehovah to wash them away in a furious unremitting tsunami of righteous misogyny. Everyone in the world with xx chromosomes dies, even the ones whose lives were spotless apart from that one time they went into church with their shoelaces untied. The sole survivors of the cataclysm are a small cabal of believers, who, like Mel, have boggly eyes, bandy legs and true, unstinting faith. Mel is cured of his roving, womanising ways and sets about ensuring the survival of the human race by inseminating a cow with his own hungry seed.

There are many who say that the Rom-Com is a frivolous and inane genre. They are the haters. Turn the other cheek my flock; turn the other cheek and poke them in their dirty pagan eyes.



2 Responses to “What Women Want”

  1. oldrope Says:

    “God-humping pork-for-brains” – no wonder THEY dont like him. I wondered what he’d done to get their goat up. Snarf. Barf. Larf. Etc

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    No one likes a God humper. It’s indecorous is what it is.

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