The current economic debacle has taught us one valuable lesson, and that is that immoderate speculation will leave you destitute. Yes, over-speculate and you will wind up living beneath a bridge, performing unnatural acts on your former colleagues for loose change like a sad gigolo troll. The same applies to non-economic speculation. Take the mooted Dark Knight sequel. Some young men have worked themselves into such a fury of blind hypothesising regarding the content and casting of this film that they have lost all sense of perspective. Try engaging one of these poor specimens in a conversation about the best time to plant geraniums or whether the archaic practice of wrapping babies in swaddling clothes has had a bad press and he will stare at you blankly, mumbling something about Robin being ‘a pussy’.
There is hope however. Yes, the world may cease its fruitless speculation. For I have a definitive and unimpeachable account of what The Dark Knight 2/Batman 3 will involve. Hear me friends, for I am the oracle. These are Christopher Nolan’s notes for the film, which one of our agents liberated from his pockets:
Batman 3. Notes for.
More onomatopoeia (dark, realistic onomatopoeia such as ‘bang’, ‘crunch’, ‘wham’. NOT repeat NOT unrealistic, Joel Schumacher-esque onomatopoeia such as ‘bingle’, ‘whimmy’, ‘squoosh’, ‘whizzup’, ‘grammies’.
More exploration of the bat analogy. Bats like: fruit, whistling, rabies. Remember to ask Bale if he can ‘do fruit’.
Batman needs to grow as a person. He needs to let someone in. He needs to realise that you can’t always make it on your own (idea for script: ‘can’t….. make it….. on…. own… need friends….’ – important to stress pauses)
More jokes and light relief. Alfred could say something like ‘Don’t bloody break the bloody Batmobile again. I’m tired of filling out bloody insurance forms’. Bloody. LOL.
More dark stuff. Batman needs to do something really bad, like stab a dog. NB should the dog be bad? Moral dilemma.
Catwoman casting: Angelina Jolie OBVIOUSLY.
So that you don’t all get too excited I shall pause here. Keep your specs peeled for further snippets!
Tags: Angelina Jolie, Bandy Legs, Batbeard, Batman, Batmeat, Batmobile, Big Fat Yawn, Bloody, Dark Knight, Emotional Growth, Gimps, LOL, Medium Batdrink, Nolan, Onomatopoeia, Overkill, Pauses, Rabies, Rickets, Robin, Spoilers, Trolls
The Agoraphobic Reviewer 
December 12, 2009 at 2:03 pm |
Consider my appetite well and truly wet, lubricated and slightly parted in anticipation…
December 12, 2009 at 2:27 pm |
Gives a whole new level of horribleness to the phrase ‘I’m working up an appetite’.
December 14, 2009 at 9:39 pm |
‘Must get… friends.’
There could be a bit where he sets up a Facebook account, and there’s like, only Alfred on his friends list. And Catwoman turns down his friend request and he’s like ‘Oh. My. God. WHATEVER.’
And the Joker leaves a comment on his blog going ‘LOL Batman u r teh l00s3r!!1!omglolzerz’ and then Batman starts self-harming and listening to My Chemical Romance instead of Smashing Pumpkins like in all the other films.
His Facebook status update would be like ‘Batman wishes people would understand him and stop judging him on his rubber muscles and growly voice.’ There could be a big cloe-up on him when he types it in and then sits there looking at it while MCR plays on the soundtrack really loud.
December 15, 2009 at 1:41 pm |
Nice. I shall forward these suggestions to the Nolan underground bunker forthwith. I like that the Joker says LOL. I wonder if anyone has set up a facebook page for Batman yet. I think a picture from his relaxed 60s period, perhaps kicking back with a festive eggnog, would be best as his profile pic.
December 21, 2009 at 3:00 pm |
Talking of Batso, I’ve been yabbering about comics over at Nerdbastards: http://nerdbastards.com/2009/12/20/the-top-ten-most-jaw-dropping-moments-in-comics/
December 22, 2009 at 12:54 am |
He has, you know.
I think his status updates would be more like “Batman… wishes that a certain someone would get the hint and be more than just his ‘sidekick’… :o)”
Or “Boy Wanker more like”