The Hobbit

by

Has anyone else noticed all of the viral advertising that’s been doing the rounds for Peter Jackson’s upcoming adaptation of the Hobbit? I was sat at home the other morning trying valiantly to house-train 44 German Shepherds with irritable bowel syndrome (in many ways much easier to domesticate than their colleagues in the German Swineherding sector), when a magical leaflet came through the letterbox. I reproduce its contents below:

Far beyond the mountains of Grantooth, across the lake of Lundor and within the gargantuan cupboard of Crustybeard, there lives a dragon. He doesn’t get out very often these days. You see his employer failed to provide him with the proper protective equipment. So when a sturdy box of sprouts fell on his head in a warehouse it caused multiple cricking in his long majestic green neck. His employer initially refused to pay him compensation. That’s when we stepped in and took the employer to task, to the tune of 5 large. Have you had an accident in the last 6 months? If so, call Mordor Accident Claims and we’ll send a solicitor atop a fire-breathing steed to you post-haste!

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5 Responses to “The Hobbit”

  1. Banjo Fett Says:

    I got approached by a guy the other day asking if I’d been ninja’d, and if I had did I know I may be entitled to up to £2000 in compo.

    I told him I hadn’t been ninja’d and that if I had I probably wouldn’t even know about it and would in fact probably be dead. Don’t these salespeople know that ninjas spend years in training their dark arts so that they can strike from the shadows without being detected? It’s shameful, I tell ‘ee.

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Maybe he was one of those mouth-ninjas that one hears about so often these days. You know, the ones that cloud your mind with legal speech and spurious assertions about ninja attacks, then, when you’re at your most confused, stick a nung-chuck up your nose. Yowzer!

  3. Banjo Fett Says:

    Here’s a beat poem about Hobbits:

    Bilbo. Frodo. Odo. Bodo.
    Samwise. Folco. Bungo. Mungo.
    Grubbs. Tooks. Gamgees. Proudfoots. Bagginses. Pippinses. Brandybucks. Bolgers.
    Fat little hairy-footed shits the lot of them.

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Hobbit Blakely: ‘Oi ‘ate you Baggins’

    You should put that up as a post post-haste. It doesn’t deserve to languish in the comments section. Do it!

  5. Banjo Fett Says:

    Si, Barone.

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