An Ode to Hobbits – by Banjo Fett


Bilbo. Frodo. Odo. Bodo.
Samwise. Folco. Bungo. Mungo.
Grubbs. Tooks. Gamgees. Proudfoots. Bagginses. Pippinses. Brandybucks. Bolgers.
Fat little hairy-footed shits the lot of them.

Second breakfast, pot bellies, waistcoats and songs,
About every sodding river and tree in the fecking Shire.

If only Smaug had eaten that little smartarse,
On top of that mountain.
There wouldn’t have been a whole trilogy,
About midgets.
Going for a walk.
To put a ring.
In the fire.


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6 Responses to “An Ode to Hobbits – by Banjo Fett”

  1. Banjo Fett Says:

    I added a couple of verses for extra value. And the ending obviously owes a lot to Clerks 2.

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Damn you Smaug!

  3. oldrope Says:

    What doesn´t owe a lot to Clerks 2…?

    Has J LeB actually grown a ballbag and left the house…? His film reviews have gotten better by dint of their lack of existence

  4. jlebaptiste Says:

    I’ll get you for this Old Rope, dint or no dint. I’m going to descend on you like the Hindenberg. I’m going to get one of those Argentine women you pursue like a diseased sex-weasel to give you elephantiasis of the balls. Then I’m going to open a circus with the sole intention of displaying your unnatural deformed testes to a cruel and unsympathetic crowd of jeering toothless proles. And I’m going to give you a very ungenerous slice of the proceeds.

    Yes! Revenge is mine!

  5. Banjo Fett Says:

    Oh little hobbit. Hobbity-hob.
    Hobbity-ho, hobbity-ha, hoobity-hoo.
    Loobity-loo, lobbity-lob.

    Jump on an eagle,
    Sod off to Mordor,
    Drop the ring in,
    And shut your gob.

  6. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I like it! Could you set it to banjo and do me a recording? I’m thinking the ‘hobbity-hoo’ bit should be yodelled.

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