All the President’s Men

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‘All the President’s Men’ is a film that someone should really see at some point. I’d love to, but I’m really really really busy. Here is a review of the film in question:

The political process is a lot like the digestive process. Something goes in at one end, gets covered in acid and robbed of all of its goodness, and then comes out at the other end shivering and brown. If you don’t believe me, have a look at Michael Portillo’s autobiography ‘They done me Ma, real bad’, or, alternatively, have a look at Michael Portillo. Not for nothing do the civil servants of Whitehall refer to Portillo as ‘Old Man Faeces’.

Satire doesn’t come easily to the likes of The Agoraphobic Reviewer. The AR dedicates itself to the pensive pains of providing the public with perspicuous portrayals of pilms, sorry, films (it hasn’t seen). Holding the folly of great men up to ridicule is a thankless task, requiring a steely wit and a stooly sense of humour. The AR has neither the steel nor the stools to do battle in the Thunderdrome of satire. If only it could find a big beefy Blaster and sit atop its shoulders like a vindictive, atrophied little Master. Why, then, it would be unstoppable. We would kick other satirists such as Ian Hislop and Ian Wright around like saggy bags of dog business. Then we would fly over to America and crack Rush Limbaugh and Jon Stewart’s heads together, resulting in a hideous tableau of left-on-right lip-locking, like some sort of erotic pyjama party at a Ministry of All the Talents sleepover.

I’m a sick pup.

Anyway, the subject of politics and satire leads me to the subject of this review: All the President’s Men. This film shows how Richard Nixon, the demonic muffin-faced Archimago of American politics, hired some oleaginous gentlemen to slide like greasy nuggets through the air vents of the Watergate hotel and steal important documents pertaining to the Democratic Party. Using these documents they were able to spread a number of outrageous but true slurs about its principal members, to wit: (1) Prior to becoming Governor of Wherever, Jimmy Carter starred in four pornographic films (‘Fiscal Stimulus’, ‘BIG government’, ‘Presidential Pardon my Presidential Hard ‘Un’, and the deeply unsettling ‘Nanny State’) (2) JFK was ‘a pussy’ (3) Lyndon B. Johnson urinated sitting down (4) After his death, Bobby Kennedy admitted to shooting himself ‘just to spite the Military-Industrial Complex’.

Initially, no-one knew where these rumours originated. But two spruce journalists named Ignatius Woodward and Leeroy Bernstein put in the hours and pulled out a plum. They discovered a skid mark the size of the Hudson River that led directly to the White House u-bend. Finally, Nixon had been caught with his pants down and an enormous steaming pellet of corruption coming out of his bum. He was impeached before he had a chance to pull the flush on the whole affair, and then David Frost wiped him up on TV.

On reflection, this was a balanced and well-informed dramatisation of a complex and controversial scandal. I just wish they could have cut out some of the arse and shit jokes.

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2 Responses to “All the President’s Men”

  1. Banjo Fett Says:

    I’d argue your wit is as sharp as a prison shank, JLB. In fact, that’s how I’d describe you: a shanky wit.

    Ohoho. But Hislop and Wright could realistically form their own Master/Blaster alliance and start a new show: a Gladiators-cum-topical news analysis comedy panel show. But, you know, with helmets and big foam cotton-bud staves. Maybe their nemesis could be Melinda Messenger sat on top of Paul Merton’s spongey white shoulders.

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Thanks Sir Fett. My wit is as blunt as a country cheddar. I’ve got a big unwieldy wheel of cheese where my wit should be.

    That Gladiator/topical news analysis comedy panel show is genuinely the best TV idea I’ve heard in ages. Let’s put a pitch together. I only have one reservation, and that’s the excessive top-heaviness resulting from Messenger perching on Merton’s S.P.W.’s could constitute a health and safety hazard.

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