Kids

by

Good God, why would anyone watch a film like Larry Clark’s ‘Kids’? It’s bad enough having to imagine what it is about, which I do in the following balanced and well-informed review:

In ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’ a spindly grotesque called the Child-Catcher flies around the metropolis in a levitating car terrorising unsuspecting infants. The closest thing that reality has to the Child-Catcher is the ‘Kids’ director, Larry Clark. ‘Stranger Danger’ doesn’t even begin to cover it.

‘Kids’ follows a gaggle of grizzly pre-puboids about their daily business. Their leader, The Artful Twat, is a roguish, fresh-faced urchin whose pre-eminence among his peers rests primarily on his outlandish claim that he once travelled back in time to Renaissance Florence where, it is alleged, he happy-slapped a minor Medici and gave syphilis to a statue.

If you employ the zoom function on your DVD player, you can make out the glint of terror in the eyes of all of the children who have been corralled into appearing in this two-hour creep-fest. When asked, in the DVD extras, how he managed to wring such convincing performances from a bunch of underage gawpers, Clark laughingly replies: ‘Jesus Juice buddy, an’ if that don’t work I sets my hobo, Bugger Ben, on ’em. Bugger Ben can’t stand a non-team player, can you fella?’ At this point, Bugger Ben grunts off-screen in buggerish agreement.

This is a weird little film made by a weirder little man. Try not to watch it unless you absolutely have to.

In case anyone has misinterpreted this review, I am not suggesting that Larry Clark has committed illegal activities or promoted them in any way. That would be very very libellous.

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2 Responses to “Kids”

  1. spicyeggnog Says:

    Apparently it was filmed in Turkey, thus providing him with a legal clause to counter any false accusations. The case of Byron vs. Parrot set an unusual precedent.

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Hark at you, Eggnog of the Bailey. Care to explain the particulars of the case?

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