A review of a film


It’s me, Mr B Fett. I saw a film. This is what I have to say about it.

Some friends of mine drove us there. There were four of us: String-o, Luggy, Zandwich and me. We were in a car, initially. Then, later, we were in the foyer of the cinema. Actually, before that we were in the car park. This detail is probably important for continuity, otherwise, dear reader, you might assume we ram-raided the cinema, or that we were at a drive-in. But the cinema foyer was exciting. There were lots of people there, milling about and paying for drinks and coloured ice slushes and popped corn. Man, I was so excited. Except the film was full so we had to wait until they showed it again.

Luckily it was on again in an hour.

I bought a drink. It was medium but it was stretching the definition of medium as it was more like massive. We had some food in our bags, a trick we learned from our elders. But we still bought some drinks because we didn’t want to look like we’d strayed too far from the herd.

Eventually we went into the screen-room (number eight) with all the other people, and seated ourselves appropriately. The gradient of the seating and stairs seemed excessively steep, almost like a cliff, but with rows of seating. Luggy immediately suffered from a sudden wave of Vertigo (the capital ‘V’ is a film reference not a typo) as a result of the steep gradient. I didn’t like the idea of sitting on the edge of a cliff to watch a film but I held onto my seat and leaned as far back as possible so I wouldn’t fall over the seats in front of me and tumble onto the families below.

We chatted about our plans for toilet breaks and how we would find our seats after going to the toilet. In the end we agreed to do a Mexican wave when the toilet-visiter returned. Then the adverts started.

I can’t really remember the adverts, but there was one about Doctor Who. Strange really because Doctor Who’s by the BBC so that means my TV license money went towards a cinema advert. After a while a message on the screen told us to put our 3D glasses on. Then they had some more adverts but in 3D and I can’t remember what they were for but there was quite a lot of them and one of them wasn’t in 3D. Zandwich felt a bit sick as well. I thought it might have been the steep gradient but it might not have been.

The film started. It had the usual BBFC classification screen first and it had been classified a PG. The woman behind me got angry about that because her husband had told her it was a 15. I didn’t hear his excuse though.

The film was in 3D as well. It wasn’t really like proper 3D, like how life is in 3D. It was a bit like a pop-up book except not as good, like as if the pop-up bits weren’t popping up properly. And now and then one of the characters would throw something at the screen and you might try and duck and then you’d remember it’s a film in a cinema and the object’s not real so you don’t need to duck.

For some reason the film didn’t stick to what happened in the book. It made some other stuff up and just included a few things that happened in the book. It’s not a pop-up book so maybe that’s why, I don’t know.

In summary I give it six out of ten.


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17 Responses to “A review of a film”

  1. johnlebaptiste Says:

    This is pure distilled genius and makes me feel like a fat-bummed frump in soiled dungarees for not thinking of it first, not that my version would have been any good or that I could’ve/would’ve thought of it. Damn you the Fett!

  2. Banjo Fett Says:

    Is your (non-existent) version in 3D? The biggest failing of this review is that it’s a two-dimensional review of a 3D film.

  3. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I must confess, as I was reading the review, its failure to reach out from the confines of my laptop screen and literally poke the words written therein into the soft pliable plasma of my eyeballs struck me as somewhat of a shortcoming

    By the way, did Luggy ever get his excessive earwax problem sorted out?

  4. Banjo Fett Says:

    Not exactly but he’s started working on quite an interesting sculpture.

  5. oldrope Says:

    This basically stole my thunder, like Loki half-inching Thor’s mighty hammer. Not because I was going to review a film, or rather the act of seeing one. But rather because it is a much better review of the film I was going to “review” (i.e. view again, in the form of text).

    The bit that gave it away was this: “For some reason the film didn’t stick to what happened in the book. It made some other stuff up and just included a few things that happened in the book.”

    Though this essentially describes any and every film based on a book, “el pais de maravillas” seemed to really take the proverbial with its wanton disregard for all things book. And the 3D made me feel ill. Though I watched it in English with spanish subtitles, so maybe that was why. Subtitles in 3D? Oh yeah baby!!!!!!!!

  6. pariahrustbucket Says:

    I shall have my eyeballs taken out and preserved in vinegar, for never again shall I read such inspired words.

    ‘The gradient of the seating and stairs seemed excessively steep, almost like a cliff, but with rows of seating.’

    Could this be the next variation on the drive-in cinema? The prices are already steep…

  7. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Are you proposing an abseil-in-cinema PR? Or more like a sort of luge/skeleton-in cinema? Either way, that sounds good to me. Whenever I go in one of those level-seated cinemas, the wiggly-headest, bushy-hairedest, fat-headest patron always somehow finds me out and sits in the chair in front. I needs me some gradient.

  8. Banjo Fett Says:

    In fairness, the steep gradient meant I didn’t have to take my top hat off for once.

    A bob-skeleton-in cinema is a wonderful idea! Perhaps combine it with the bob-skeleton-thru restaurant.

  9. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I’ve just noticed the inclusion of ‘medium drink’ in the tags. Snarf!

  10. oldrope Says:

    Now I can finally find more medium drink based articles. I was beginning to tire of searching for them the hard way

  11. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I like a regular Tango
    I like a medium Lilt
    But fix me a Big Gulp Cola
    And I’ll spew all over your kilt,

  12. Banjo Fett Says:

    Um Bongo, Um Bongo,
    And three choccy dongos,
    A box of cheesy nachos,
    A bucket of gazpacho,
    Two bags of Minstrels,
    Six cans of Kestrel,
    A fistful of hotdogs,
    A trouser full of bum logs.

  13. johnlebaptiste Says:

    That’s genius. It reminds me of a song I heard the other day at a South Yorkshire cafe-cum-bookshop:

    “Looking at a cheesy nacho, thinking of you
    Regurgitating a cheesy nacho, thinking of you”

  14. Banjo Fett Says:

    “I’m looking down the pan, thinking of you,
    Examining the skid-mark, and thinking of you.”


  15. johnlebaptiste Says:

    “I’m writing a shit song about refridgeration equipment, and thinking of you.”

    Now I’m just being mean.

  16. Banjo Fett Says:


  17. johnlebaptiste Says:


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