Evil Dead Prince of Bel-Air by Banjo Fett

by

In honour of JLB’s fine work hither, and anon, here’s the plot of Evil Dead II re-told via the medium of Will Smith’s magnum opus, the theme tune to his TV show Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

Now this is a story all about how,
I cut my own hand off but who’s laughing now?
And I’d like to take a minute,
So listen up you primitive screw-heads,
And I’ll tell you how I became the guy who killed the Evil Dead.

In North Carolina, in a cabin in the woods,
In the cellar, was where we found the pages of the book.
Choppin’ up my girlfriend with a chainsaw wasn’t cool,
But me and ol’ double-barrel sure taught those ghouls.

But a couple of demons,
Who were up to no good,
Started swallowing souls in my neighborhood.
I got in one little fight and Bobby Jo got scared,
And she ran into the woods even though I told her to beware.

I whistled to the she-witch, and when it flew near,
I chainsawed off its arms but Annie had the fear,
If anything I could say that this chick was ‘Groovy’,
But I thought ‘Naw, forget it’ and killed the Deadite real smoothly.

I dispatched all the Deadites, there were seven or eight,
So I yelled over to Annie, ‘Yo homes, read the pages!’
But I got sucked into the portal,
With a wacky-angled close-up,
And span through time to end up in Medieval Europe.

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18 Responses to “Evil Dead Prince of Bel-Air by Banjo Fett”

  1. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Hot ‘n’ Fresh. I loves it. It made me imagine Carlton, Uncle Phil et al screeching, belching blood and stabbing each other in the ankles with pencils while ruminating on the humour arising from the idiosyncratic cultural experiences and perspectives of an upper-class African-American family. And Uncle Phil sadly burying the twitching dismembered cadaver of Jazzy Jeff in the well-manicured lawn, instead of throwing him out of the front door horizontally as was his wont.

  2. oldrope Says:

    And Jeffrey’s hand would be scuttling about the place. Hang on, was that Evil dead II? I forget, yeah it was wasn’t it

  3. oldrope Says:

    Incidentally, whilst reading this a trakc came on my portable music player (other portable music players are available), chiefly Marley Marl & MC Chan’s track, ‘The Bridge’, which begins in a similar vein (to FPoBA, not ED3):

    You love to hear the story again and again
    of how it all got started way back when
    The monument is right in your face
    Sit and listen for a while to the name of the place

  4. Banjo Fett Says:

    Ah. It probably sounds better than it looks in print, but this does remind me why I don’t listen to much hip-hop these days.

    It’s a bit like when you ask an average chump to ‘do a rap’, they inevitably begin with: “Well I was walkin’ down the street, the other day…”

  5. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Well I was walking down the street, the other day/ Except I wasn’t walking, I was in a coracle/
    Nor indeed was it a street/ but rather a pedestrianised shopping centre/ and it wasn’t the other day, it were right now/ All I knows is coracles, my Allsport loyalty card and hoes/ Biggity biggity bum/ Rappity rappity Rum.

    I must stop asking average chumps to do raps.

  6. Banjo Fett Says:

    That’d be a neat new angle to freshen up vox-pops on local news. Get them to comment on the issue through a rap. Here’s a sample of what it might look like:

    Well I was walking down the street the other day,
    I thought about the budget,
    And I said ‘Hey!’
    Ten per cent tax hike on fags is a little bit steep,
    That Darling’s a sod, how does he sleep?

    Uh.
    Yeah.
    C’mon.

    Well I don’t like immigrants,
    I don’t know why,
    Not really sure on the issues,
    But I hope they die.

    What.
    Yeah.
    Uh.

  7. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Well there is something quite rhythmic about the way Jon Snow talks. Who knows, if someone could stick some dangerous, fragrant beats under one of his news reports we might all be in Hip Hop Heaven.

    The BNP are all about the folk music now:

    It was a caucasoid damsel
    And suitors had she three
    But the suitors were genetically unsuitable
    With a hey nonny noo nonny nee

    There was a young swain called Griffin
    And suitors had he none
    So he bought himself a Hitler sex doll
    With a hey nonny noo nonny non.

  8. Banjo Fett Says:

    Well it was late on Thursday even-ning,
    My blue-collar job was I a-leave-ening,
    To go to a meet-ening,
    Of men all white as sheet-enings.

    Says I to me matey-o,
    What about that Stephen Gately-o,
    After reading the Daily Hatey-o,
    I believe he met his fatey-o,

    Then up stepped the Griffalo,
    With egg all on his boncey-o,
    Says ‘I’m not a racist-o’,
    ‘And I’ve nothing against the noncey-os’.

  9. johnlebaptiste Says:

    This is ace. I wonder what the BNP would make of our traditional compositions. I suppose the intrinsic merit of the songs might be compromised by the fact that under certain lights Banjo Fett has been known to resemble a bearded Omar Sharif and I’m pretty sure on my mother’s side I’m related to Binh Feng, the ‘Val Doonican of Vietnam’.

    Feng went one step further than Doonican and put TWO feet up on a chair while playing. Some say he went too far, but Feng remains an honoured name in the Le Baptiste ancestral mansion.

    What were we talking about again?

  10. oldrope Says:

    Cultural hegemony. As evinced by UKIPs latest Balearic Beats compilation, “Balearic Beats vol. 4: Paying For Cerveza Wit Pounds”

  11. Banjo Fett Says:

    Bearded Omar, Bearded Omar!
    Omar, Omar, Sharif, Sharif,
    Sharif, Sharoof,
    Beardy BOOF!

    Shomar Baromar,
    Bromar Baroof,
    Shomar Shareef?
    Got a beard of beef.

    Beefy teef,
    Omar’s beefy toof,
    Beaf on croot,
    Got a beety toot.

    Buddhist: “Ommmmmmm.”

    Pirate: “Aaaarrrrrrr.”

    Librarian: “Shhh.”

    Snorkler: “A reef!”

  12. johnlebaptiste Says:

    This is pure distilled magic. I command you, as your father, god and careers advisor, to post this as an entry in its own right without further ado. If Sharif saw this metrical tribute his brain would invert then explode with insane glee.

  13. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I note that someone found this blog via the following google search:

    is any of the prince of bel air cast dead

    I hate to break it to you kid, but they’ve been hit hard. Here is a list of the deceased and the manner of their passing:

    Uncle Phil – heroin overdose
    Carlton – defusing bombs in Iraq
    Hilary – cage-fighting accident
    Ashley – disappeared near the Bermuda triangle. Presumed dead
    Jazzy Jeff – auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap

  14. oldrope Says:

    I was in tears by the end of that episode of Behind The Laughter. Such a waste. I mean, Uncle Phil could have been melted down for blubber. Such a terrible waste.

  15. oldrope Says:

    And once again ont he subject of search terms, someone used “ricky martins penis” (sic) to get to this post of mine: http://oldrope.wordpress.com/2010/03/30/ricky-martin-phwoooaaar/ Although I do not use the phrase (at least I dont think so!) and the searcher may not have quite found what they were looking for, I have only myself to blame and they probably still were relatively satisfied. Who wouldn’t be with such a hot blooded hetro sexgod like Macho Man Rick?

  16. johnlebaptiste Says:

    OR, I think the time might be ripe for another entry on your blog about all of the search terms that people use to get to your posts. Your blog has a knack of hooking in the freakiest beaks in the cyberverse.

  17. oldrope Says:

    Fear not, I will bosh out another in due course. I have had plenty more perverted interweb travellers hunting for all manner of disgusting things. I am sure I am not alone though, you have had a fair few I know (though AR gets it’s fair share from legit film search terms, the poor souls).

    Why cant you freaks just bookmark Old Rope, it would make everyone’s lives less disturbed.

  18. johnlebaptiste Says:

    We’ve not had as many as I’d like. It’s mainly just your regular Star Wars and Batman fans: a signal lack of eccentric perverts.

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