The Battleship Potemkin


Years ago, I sent the following to Old Rope, who was at that time the leading communist pop singer at the seminary we both attended, in a bid to make the old lush chuckle. I was unsuccessful. He was more interested in licking his own gin-soaked jackboots. Weirdly, a few months ago, I watched Eisenstein’s entertaining pro-Soviet propaganda piece, The Battleship Potemkin, for the first time, and was shocked to find that he had somehow stolen all of my ideas (i.e. the following text) 80 years before I had them. It just goes to show you that you can’t trust a commie. Here is the original text:

Comrade Husk and Comrade Spurtev and Comrade Weepy Willow and Comrade Comrade and Comrade Conrad and Comrade Power Man and Comrade Hinterland and Comrade Uncle Dustev were in the streets.

The Sailors have bent the People’s Beak they cried
Bread and Spatchcock they cried
Down with the Sailors Down with their Counter Revolutionary Hornpipes they cried
Comrade Weepy Willow erected an effigy
Comrade Hinterland lit the effigy
Comrade Spurtev pointed at the effigy
The peasants came and danced and gorged their youngfolk on Spatchcock
Soviet Spatchcock the youngfolk cried
The sign said Chairman Tulip is the Curer of the People’s Puffin Meat
Let us water the People’s Beak said the sign

That it might suck the leprous bourgeois worm and the creeping Priest-Egg out of our youngfolk’s Spatchcock.
Comrade Spurtev dreamed of his wife:

O Comrade Spurtev’s Wife he said
How I admire your Proud Jaw and your Motherly Biceps he said
The effigy ground its bourgeois teeth
Aiee it said I must subvert the People’s Beak it said

For I am a rotten cadaverous bourgeois effigy and I must feed my mouth with Beak Blood.
But the people pointed and cried


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4 Responses to “The Battleship Potemkin”

  1. oldrope Says:

    This bears more than a passing resembleance to my 21st birthday party and you know it.

    Still, as my former fuckbuddy Walter Benjie once said of ideas: “The art of the critic in a nutshell: to coin slogans without betraying ideas. The slogans of an inadequate criticism peddle ideas to fashion.”

    To this end I think AR may feel satisfied that he is truly a critic. Also, since I am an actor now (did I tell you about that?), can I have a bit part in your cinematicplay?

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Are you really an actor? Where have you been creeping the boards?

    Walter Benjamin? Is he the guy who makes those pasta sauces?

  3. Banjo Fett Says:

    You know, I’ve not seen all of Battleship Potemkin, but I’ve seen Brian The Palmer’s The Untouchables, ‘pon which it’s based. I’ve also played quite a lot of Battleships, but I never sank a Potemkin. Unless my brother was cheating. Again.

    And I have to say, if The Mason-Dixon Line Power Grab were to perform the above words with their trademark haunted, hunkered hooting, I would wear them printed in mahoosive letters on a fashionable tee-shirt.

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I saw The Mason-Dixon Line Power Grab playing at a local village fete and I was horrified.
    Never have I seen such a shameless display of gratuitous hunkering. It was ‘hunker’ this and ‘hunker’ that and ‘what’s up with that hunker-faced Hufflepuff standing by the window, hogging all the pears?’

    Bill Grundy would spin in his grave if he had a grave and he were in it and connected to some kind of hydraulic spinning machine. He’d probably dig the hunkering though.

    I’m still waiting for Ron D. Moore to write Battlestar Potemkin: ‘All this has happened before, and now it will happen again, in Soviet-era Russia’.

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