The Expendables

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I found this photomontage of the cast of the upcoming action flick ‘The Expendables’ on the screenrant.com website. I hope they don’t mind me reproducing it here and offering some comments about the Bosch-esque display of grotesques presented therein.

Top row, left to right:

Sylvester Stallone: 5 intersecting slabs of greasy barbecue meat on top of a stick of girth. He is confused because he has just seen a zebra for the first time.

Jet Li: licks hair straighteners. When they’re unplugged of course. He might be tough and dangerous, but he’s got streetsmarts too. You can’t frighten enemies with a straightener-induced lisp.

Jason Statham: trying to smile but thwarted by heavy-forehead veins. His mum made him wear that suit.

Mickey Rourke: in the delicatessen of latter-day action heroes, Rourke is the crispy turkey escalope to Stallone’s greasy rib bucket. When those guys go mano-a-mano it reputedly smells like an abattoir lavatory in hell.

Bottom row, left to right:

Dolph Lungren(?): has paperclips for pubes

Wide-jawed man: since starring in a school nativity play aged 7, this fellow has been exclusively cast as a prison rapist. “Well, it’s a living”, he laughs.

Forest Whitaker: likes to hang out with the big boys, but resents the chinese burns and the teasing.

Bald man with goatee: has just got engaged.

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10 Responses to “The Expendables”

  1. Banjo Fett Says:

    Crumping flecknodes! This looks AWESOME. Except it actually looks shit. Check out the synopsis on IMDB, an excerpt of which reads: “Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) is a man with nothing to lose. Fearless and void of emotion, he is the leader…”

    Hmm, ‘void of emotion’ eh? Sounds ideal for the Italian Scallion.

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Surely, at the very least, Barney Ross stands to lose (1) his fearlessness (2) his emotional detachment (3) his job as a leader of mercenaries and (4) his reformed-ham-based head?

  3. dangerousmeredith Says:

    this was a very funny to read. I am a huge Jet Li fan but I don’t think I will be lining up to see this one. It smacks of male menopause. I think that the picture of little Jet is from a film of his called ‘Hero’ which is BEWDIFUL!

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Thanks Dangerous Meredith. Yes, I like the bit in Hero when Jet goes ‘Yaaa’ and attacks that man, but then the man leaps in the air and shouts ‘yaaa’. That’s an interesting blog you’ve got there. My favourite martial arts film is Kung Fu Hustle.

  5. Banjo Fett Says:

    I still don’t know how I feel about Steven Seagal not being in The Expendables.

    Am I angry? Am I deflated? Am I enamoured? Am I non-plussed? Am I distraught? Am I confused? Am I jovial? Am I apathetic? Am I stunned? Am I amazed? Am I doom-laden? Am I peckish? Am I affable? Am I excited? Am I afraid? Am I grubby? Am I ponderous? Am I elated? Am I hopeful? Am I defensive? Am I sticky? Am I frightened? Am I ashamed? Am I repulsed?

    Answers on a postcard to dangerousmeredith please.

  6. johnlebaptiste Says:

    If I know Banjo Fett, and I believe I do, he is sticky, like a sherbet lemon that has fallen down the side of the sofa, and has leaked its golden dew all into the 3-ply.

  7. dangerousmeredith Says:

    kung fu hustle is a lot of fun.

  8. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Yes. I think I’ll write a poem about it. Watch this space.

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