Shallow Hal


Jack Black in Shallow Hal

Shallow Hal is a film about a nasty man who says horrible things about women. Here is a poem, copied and pasted directly from the script of the film in question. Needless to say I haven’t seen it (I copy and paste with my eyes closed).

All the feminine world

Is to me as a promenade of walking lard,

Of bipedded elephantine lump-legs

Of swinging bingo-wings

And quadruple chins.

When I think about these women defecating

I gasp.

What landslides of residue poot forth

From their levee-like buttocks

Clogging up the sewers and

Bringing a nation to its knees?

What slurries of destroyed dinners,

Of massacred million-course meals

Pass shamefully out of the back doors

Of these monstrous humongoloids

Like vicars who have outstayed their welcome,

Exceeded the original purpose of their visit,

And been sent unceremoniously on their way?

And then they pull up their hammock-knickers,

Waddle back to the biscuit tin

And begin again, pausing only to ask me

If I’d like a quickie in between Emmerdale and Coronation Street.

Nay, madam. Nay.

(On reflection, perhaps I’m being a bit harsh)


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6 Responses to “Shallow Hal”

  1. oldrope Says:


  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Cor? When did you turn into Dennis the Menace? Hmmm. Bangers and Mash. Sloo!

  3. spicyeggnog Says:


  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    This is a really mean-spirited and nasty poem. If I’d written it myself I’d be disgusted with myself.

  5. Banjo Fett Says:

    It’s a grubby bit of work, but the truth is often ugly. And fat.

  6. johnlebaptiste Says:

    It’s grubbier than a larval moth. When will this sickness end?

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