Nueve Reinas


I am not John Le Baptiste (I am simply Old Rope). But if I was, I would not have seen Nueve Reinas, the award-winning dollop of Argentine cinema. I might, however, have reviewed it. And so I have.

Nueve Reinas (or “Nine Queens”) is a comedy caper in the Lock, Stock and Two Wanking Mockney’s mould. But with less of the going up yer apples and pears stairs y mas de tu “arriba, che!”. It stars the ubiquitous Ricardo Darín, an Argie actor of some note, being as he is in every film ever made by anyone ever. In fact he is so ubiquitous he is practically omnipresent. Like god, but more handsome. And with an Oscar to his name. Kind of (he has to share it with the rest of the cast of Los Secretos de Sus Ojos).

Darín plays Evita Peron, a hard-hitting no-nonsense street-hustler and cardshark on the prowl for fresh foolhardy meat. “Give me meat, else I die from the wanton boredom of your straight society!” He cries, with his eyes. Evita is not a man to be trifled with.

Two queens

The year is ‘94 and his trunk is raw. In the rear-view mirror is the motherfucking law. As usual. But this isn’t the only problem facing Peron, who along with his sycophantic sidekick Diego Maradona (played admirably by baby-faced Paul Ross look alike, Gastón Pauls) must complete a most unusual challenge. In order to win a twenty peso bet, Evita must convince the Argentine president Néstor Kirchner that he has slept with nine real genuine queens. With a diplomats’ ball looming, Evita has the perfect opportunity to infiltrate the piss-up and make his move on the Premier. It’s just a question of how he will pull off the scam. For this is the juicy kicker: Our Evie does not have to actually sleep with nine queens, but only convince the PM that he has. It is a challenge too rich in promise for Evita to pass over and before long an elaborate scheme is hatched over a cafe con leche, which he makes Maradona pay for. That’s how much of a con artist he is.

The plot truly thickens when nine regal bitches rock into town for a queen conference at the Radisson hotel and Evita is presented with a chance to actually boff a bunch of them and win the bet to boot. Can Evita keep his eye on the prize, or will he have his cake and eat it, whilst Maradona hops about on the periphery of the regal romp hoping for some sloppy seconds. When it transpires that nine camp homosexuals are in fact posing as royalty, in an ironic twist too far, Evita smells a rat (as does the viewer) and realises that he is not the only one with his eye on the twenty pesos.

Though the premise of this film is evidently sound and watertight by the standards of even our own epic literature, one cannot help but feel that it is lacking a little something in the execution. In particular the actual execution scene, which was both baffling and incomprehensible in its inclusion as a musical interlude midway through the movie. I suspect that Fabián Bielinsky, making his directorial debut,  was ‘encouraged’ to include this segment, if only to sell more product-placement space. Renowned gallows manufacturers Nike and McDonalds receive more than ample screen time for their grotesque logos depicting contorted bodies and bulbous blue heads. But, like the film, I digress. I shant spoil the ending, but needless to say there are more twists and turns than a voyage to the centre of Jordan’s clart.

I give this film 3 steaks out of 5 and a Lionel Messi for effort.


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3 Responses to “Nueve Reinas”

  1. johnlebaptiste Says:

    “one cannot help but feel that it is lacking a little something in the execution. In particular the actual execution scene, which was both baffling and incomprehensible”

    Thus sprache Old Rope. This was worth the wait. But I must ask you, for I am on tenterhooks: does he boff the queens or not?

  2. oldrope Says:

    I couldn’t possibly give that away here….. unless I write PLOTSPOILER PLOTSPOILER PLOTSPOILER then drop this A-bomb nugget of info: The film is X-rated. So I’ll let YOU decide whether you think he wets his willy…

  3. Banjo Fett Says:

    There’s only one word for this post: COOOOORRRRR!!!!! Eh?!

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