Kung Fu Hustle

by

The Angry Punani

After reading Dangerous Meredith’s entertaining discussion of all things martial artistic, I have been inspired to write a poem ‘about’ Kung Fu Hustle, which is probably my favourite martial arts film. My second favourite is ‘Chop-Socky Charlatan and the Beefy Punchers’. This be the verse:

___________

When Sifu Beans launched a stealth attack

I chopped off his sausage.

When Old Man Kicking Mule came at me

I fed him a sugarlump.

____________

Someone should have told them:

I’ve got a move for any eventuality:

The Shanghai-Slap

The Kung-Po Chop

The Big-Daddy Bum Claw

The Angry Punani

The Indignant Azerbaijani.

__________

Come at me with a fist

And I’ll show you a crab.

Come at me with a crab

And I will stick a blizzard up your bum.

Come at me with a derek

And I will show you my muddy wanger.

________________

Whump. Swishoo. Ker-fump.

Bluff. Crump. Diggle-SKONK.

_______________

I cannot afford the luxury of friends.

Not Sifu Teddy nor Beijing Bill

Nor Guru Gary and his Deadly Whipporwhill

Style.

They must all dine out on my oaty fist.

Sifu Malcolm did however

Buy me a nice scarf for my birthday,

And as such shall be spared

According to the ancient Samurai code.

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7 Responses to “Kung Fu Hustle”

  1. Banjo Fett Says:

    I once saw one called ‘Way of the Beard’, all about this sifu with a massive beard. He swung these metal balls about on it, knocking the bad chaps into stuff like this WA-CHOW!! then YA-BOOF! and WAAAAHHH-CHOMMM!

    Or I might have just made that up but what you gonna do about it? You can’t beat my style. My style is ‘the way of the drowsy pig-monkey’.

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    The Way of the Drowsy Pig-Monkey is good but can it beat the Wispy Bison’s Crotch? Aieeee. It can. I’ve been dealt a vicious sleepy hoof-paw. Much dishonour must follow. I shall spend the rest of my days among ignominous peasants, parping on a squeaky reed.

    • dangerousmeredith Says:

      my way is the way of the absolute and devout coward. i am particularly well known for my screaming-loudly-and-running-away-damned-fast stance. it has been in the family for generations.

      what a masterful poem, john. i will copy it out and recite it before i watch kung fu movies in future.

      • johnlebaptiste Says:

        Many thanks DM. I’m sure you’ve picked up a choice chop or two or a flying grapple from the many kung fu films you’ve seen though. It’s the best way to learn a martial art, I’m told.

      • dangerous meredith Says:

        yes it IS the best way, I think, but you must consume copious amounts of cheap red wine or else it just doesn’t work

  3. spicyeggnog Says:

    All will tremble before my mighty Shaolin Magno-beak! Hoooowaaaaaaa!!!!

    Kung-fu Hustle is an ace film to sooth the weary mind after a long week’s toil.

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    You said it Eggnog.

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