Batman Begins

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Batman takes down a terrorist millipede

I might have seen Batman Begins, but let’s just pretend for the sake of consistency that I haven’t. Here is my summary of its contents:

Every story has a beginning. Except the ones they don’t make prequels for. We know for instance that Spiderman originated in Tanzania in the third millenium BC, and that the Punisher got into punishing via a youth training scheme. But what about Batman? Where did that piece of work come from? Gather round Batchums, and harken unto my prequel:

Bruce Wayne was just a regular bat until, one fatal Whitsun eve, he was bitten by a radioactive man. He woke up the next night feeling queer. For a start he was lying horizontally in a soft bed of eiderdown instead of clinging upside down to a flinty crag, as was formerly his wont. He glanced at a nearby sudoku and, feeling new powers of deductive reasoning swelling within his little velveteen brow, put the measly puzzle to bed in a hot minute. And, more than ever before, he felt the sharp affront of injustice. Where once his delight was in the tart tang of raspberries, the delicious shame of rabies and the glory of his leathern snout, now his only joy was in protecting the defenceless and punching knaves. ‘Watch out villains’ he squeaked and flapped off into the night

The next morning the Woodland Times was full of his daring deeds:

A deviant barn-owl has abducted some kids

The Batman fanged his beak and banged him back to Arkham.

A rogue water-vole stole a precious diamond

The Batman ripped off his whiskers and slagged him a new one in the pebbledash

Some sort of badger had been leaving menacing conundrums in the public bridleway

The Batman solved the puzzles (1: Henry VIII; 2: (d); 3: The Nile),

And castrated the hideous half-breed badger:

No sweat.

But oh no! Our hero has been tied up by an androgynous ferret in a mask, and is currently dangling above a really sharp acorn! Will Bruce escape? Who is this felonious ferret? Can he be stopped? What is a ferret? Are they protected by the National Trust? What’s for dinner? Find out next year in ‘The Dark Knight’.

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5 Responses to “Batman Begins”

  1. oldrope Says:

    Personally I still prefer the camp 60s T-series, where our eponymous hero flapped about in a comedy pair of brown leather ‘wings’ and a furry tunic, embroided with a giant M. And every time he gave one of his infamous nemesisesesises a good thick ear, i silent yet somehow written “SQEAK!” would starwipe onto the sceen. WHen all the unpleasantness was over yer man Batters would simply drive home to sexually abuse the young boy in his care till the credits rolled. More innocent times I fear…

  2. Banjo Fett Says:

    Shit, I think you’ve got Frank Miller on the back foot JLB!

  3. oldrope Says:

    JLB has had Frank Miller on just about every foot, his back and the kitchen table and all. Saucy old minx. One of them was wearting full on The Joker regalia, but I’m not telling you which one.

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Bumming the leavened, leathery body of Frank Miller on a grubby formica table top while dressed in a sagged out Joker ensemble was possibly the lowest point of my professional life to date. Not least because he kept shouting things like ‘the darkness howls in my belly’ and ‘I am not in the night, I am of the night’. It put me off a lot. Still, how else does one expect to get into a career in writing comics?

  5. dangerousmeredith Says:

    (applause)

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