Baron Samedi – The Movie

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I’ve never liked James Bond films. I have no idea why anyone would want to watch a deranged maitre d’-type slinking about the world as if it were some kind of silver-service restaurant and shooting anyone who can’t pronounce escargot properly. Baron Samedi, on the other hand, is my kind of character. No-one leaps out of a buried coffin sporting a wonky Stovepipe hat like old Samedi. He should get his own spin-off film franchise. Hey! That’s the best idea I’ve had all afternoon. I wonder what such a franchise would consist of….

Baron Samedi in ‘Fascists Folk Off’. In this, Samedi’s debut film, our hero reads a National Geographic article about how fat British Nazis have been trying to infiltrate the English folk scene. Samedi is enraged: ‘Was it for this that Bert Jansch picked up his guitar and made it sing like a Whomping Willow? Nay sir!’. He leaps into a coracle and, summoning Ariel, his familiar, compels the airy sprite to spirit him to Blighty. After arriving and despatching a gaggle of twitchy immigration officials with a withering Wilde-esque put-down, Samedi heads to the nearest folk club. There he discovers the slimy, human marshmallow, Nick Griffin, hiding in a lute and waving a tiny soiled flag surreptitiously.

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After we have had a delicious tub of dairy extract and strawberry-flavoured preservative, we find Samedi using your standard Hogwarts ‘Revealatum’ on Griffin and exposing the blubberous boob in a hot minute. Griffin growls and roars like a castrated puffin and runs towards Samedi flailing his bingo wings. Samedi is unfazed. He picks up a nearby tin whistle and blows into it, causing Griffin’s thunder thighs to go apeshit, like charmed snakes or enchanted simian excrement or something.

Everyone is astounded: ‘why is the fuhrer of the BNP spanking around the floorboards and swinging his legs about like a rabid nun?’ they ask. Griffin screams ‘It were that voodoo witch what done it’. Samedi is not impressed by Griffin’s discourteous allusion to his widely respected Wizardly status and comes at him with a wild piledriver before decommissioning him with a textbook clothesline. His work is done. ‘Bye everyone’ he says, before calling a puffing dragon down from the steep heavens and flying off to wait for the sequel.

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16 Responses to “Baron Samedi – The Movie”

  1. oldrope Says:

    I have no idea who Samedi is (is he not a day of the week in France…?) but I like the sound of this film. I also agree re James Bond, the attraction of which has long eluded me. I mean, the man isn’t even very good at his preposterous job. Every five minutes he is captured by some fat oaf who can barely do up his own trousers, let alone hold the world to ransom. He usually only escapes from said dilemma due to a series of fortunate circumstances that are outside his sphere of influence.

    They should deffo shake up the franchise. Get in a new actor and a new director, instead of sticking with the same actor and same director for 22 films, which I understand is what the producers have done. Though I have not seen the movies.

  2. spicyeggnog Says:

    Baron Samedi was a wicked character in the Goldeneye game on my old Nintendo. Nothing more scary than a man in top hat and tails and speedos chasing you with a knife and AK-47. Stab stab!

  3. oldrope Says:

    Sounds too much like my daily life Nogg. Too much

  4. dangerousmeredith Says:

    I agree with what you say about James Bond but I also think it’s a good idea to shoot people who can’t say escargot. Can we also shoot recruitment agencies who ask you to nominate a ‘specialism’ instead of a specialisation please? PLEASE?

    but I would buy tickets to see this movie. or better still, not see it at all and write a review about it.

  5. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Hey, go for it DM. I’d like to see more reviews of reviews.

  6. oldrope Says:

    Is this man not, essentially, Papa Lazarou? But actually black. And therefore more racist? Is this actually the Hollywood film adaptation of The League of Gentlemen? Which, of course, I have not seen.

  7. johnlebaptiste Says:

    In answer to your questions: yes, yes, possibly, yes, liar.

    In Live and Let Die, Baron Samedi is reimagined in a racist way, because Bond is basically in the pocket of an unholy union between the apartheiders and the Slitherin.

  8. Daniel Says:

    Princess And The Frog!

  9. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Come again Daniel?

  10. john 'the' baptist Says:

    I don’t rightly know Daniel.

  11. Daniel Says:

    Look At The Princess And The Frog by Disney!

  12. john the 'baptist' Says:

    I will (or will I?)

  13. Chad Says:

    Baron Samedi is the Voodoo Loa (spirit) of cemeteries and the spirit world, and he’s depicted pretty much the same way. I’ve never seen the Bond movie that references this, but Princess and the Frog ripped off the image too

  14. Magic Mesh Stores Says:

    Hey there! This is kind of off topic but I need some advice from an established blog.
    Is it tough to set up your own blog? I’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty quick. I’m thinking about making my own but I’m not sure where to begin. Do you have any ideas or suggestions? With thanks

  15. Mr Wordpress Says:

    You’re right it’s off-topic MMS. I hope you won’t take it amiss if I call you a liar and a scoundrel?

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