Baron Samedi – The Movie

I’ve never liked James Bond films. I have no idea why anyone would want to watch a deranged maitre d’-type slinking about the world as if it were some kind of silver-service restaurant and shooting anyone who can’t pronounce escargot properly. Baron Samedi, on the other hand, is my kind of character. No-one leaps out of a buried coffin sporting a wonky Stovepipe hat like old Samedi. He should get his own spin-off film franchise. Hey! That’s the best idea I’ve had all afternoon. I wonder what such a franchise would consist of….

Baron Samedi in ‘Fascists Folk Off’. In this, Samedi’s debut film, our hero reads a National Geographic article about how fat British Nazis have been trying to infiltrate the English folk scene. Samedi is enraged: ‘Was it for this that Bert Jansch picked up his guitar and made it sing like a Whomping Willow? Nay sir!’. He leaps into a coracle and, summoning Ariel, his familiar, compels the airy sprite to spirit him to Blighty. After arriving and despatching a gaggle of twitchy immigration officials with a withering Wilde-esque put-down, Samedi heads to the nearest folk club. There he discovers the slimy, human marshmallow, Nick Griffin, hiding in a lute and waving a tiny soiled flag surreptitiously.

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After we have had a delicious tub of dairy extract and strawberry-flavoured preservative, we find Samedi using your standard Hogwarts ‘Revealatum’ on Griffin and exposing the blubberous boob in a hot minute. Griffin growls and roars like a castrated puffin and runs towards Samedi flailing his bingo wings. Samedi is unfazed. He picks up a nearby tin whistle and blows into it, causing Griffin’s thunder thighs to go apeshit, like charmed snakes or enchanted simian excrement or something.

Everyone is astounded: ‘why is the fuhrer of the BNP spanking around the floorboards and swinging his legs about like a rabid nun?’ they ask. Griffin screams ‘It were that voodoo witch what done it’. Samedi is not impressed by Griffin’s discourteous allusion to his widely respected Wizardly status and comes at him with a wild piledriver before decommissioning him with a textbook clothesline. His work is done. ‘Bye everyone’ he says, before calling a puffing dragon down from the steep heavens and flying off to wait for the sequel.

Tags: Ape Shit, Baron Samedi, BNP, Dragon, Fat Nazis, Folk Music, Harry Potter, James Bond, Live and Let Die, Nick Griffin, Spells, Stovepipe, Whomping Willow