Christmas Movie Round-Up

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Christmas! Yaaaayyy!

Christmas brings with it a superabundance of festive films, bursting from the television like dirty stuffing from the seams of a sinister old teddy bear. Like that stuffing, many Christmas films are coarse and riddled with asbestos and broken glass. So here is a guide to help viewers distinguish the wholesome seasonal movies from the more satanic ones (I haven’t watched any of them of course).

Miracle on 34th Street. This is an equal opportunities offender. Richard Attenborough staggers about on the titular New York thoroughfare in a stained red costume, denouncing ‘Papists’, ‘Saracens’, ‘Pantheists’, ‘Pinkos’, ‘Winkos’ (?), and his more likable brother David, whom he calls an ‘underbrush cretin’. At the end of the film he lightens up a bit and starts shouting more positive things about the various peoples of the world. This is the miracle to which the title refers.

Elf. Squeaky, shouty, bouncy, portly Will Ferrell, the Orang-Utan of American comedy, climbs into an elf suit and lets the fireworks rip, like mortar bombs of laughter in an Afghani fun zone. The bit where he hugs his dad then his dad shouts ‘pervert’ was challenging and difficult to explain to my children.

It’s a Wonderful Life. In this, Frank Capra’s piece de resistness, a nice man gets dragged screamingly across the very nadir of human suffering, pelted with the offal of defamation and repeatedly mutilated by a leering German in a bloody butcher’s apron, only to have his friends host a lovely Christmas party for him in which they all tell him what a ‘swell guy’ he is. He laughs and says, ‘it is a wonderful life after all, eh Beaver?’, but we can still see the blood stains on his shirt.

Santa Claus: The Movie. In this bleak honk of nothingness, Peter Cook plays an irascible old crank in a red suit and beard who mercilessly bullies a gnome with self-esteem issues, played by Dudley Moore. Christmas turns out to be a right old snafu, due to Cook’s copious intake of gin and his increasingly nihilistic attitude towards life and children. Moore cries in the Lapland cafeteria. Cook dies in the snow. The western world looks for a new religious occasion on which to hang their spiritual and material hopes and dreams.

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5 Responses to “Christmas Movie Round-Up”

  1. oldrope Says:

    Laughing at this made my resaca (hangover) go away for a little minute. But then it came and for this I blame you Le Bap.

    Please explain why you have omitted the following:
    The Snowman
    Father Christmas
    THe He-Man and She Ra Christmas Special
    Poirot Does Christmas
    Mrs XXXMas
    Mark Baldwin Snorts Coke offa A Christmas Ham

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    The thought of Baldwin’s already ham-like snout snuffling nose ningle of a slab of pig meat had a similar effect on me (i.e. I laughed full and deep, like a lion).

  3. spicyeggnog Says:

    You forgot the classic “Christmas Ape goes Hawaiian”

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Recycled Simpsons gags have no truck round here Eggnog. Keep it fresh and fruity, like Timmy Mallet’s gusset.

  5. spicyeggnog Says:

    You can cram it with walnuts ugly!

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