Toy Story

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I’ve not seen Toy Story. I’m sure it is hilarious and subtle and great fun for big kids of all ages though. Here is a list of merchandise based on the favourite toys of Little Bobby, Toy Story’s pre-pubescent protagonist:

1) The Spinning Wizard Box. This small tin cuboid of infantile glee features a small slot wherein Little Bobby puts pennies. If he puts in one penny the hatch flies open and a tiny metal wizard jumps out and spins round. Sparks fizzle out of his sleeves and he shouts something that might be ‘Thankers’, ‘Pankhurst’, ‘Parkhurst’, ‘Danglers’ or ‘Bankers’. If he puts in two pennies the wizard does it twice. Little Bobby becomes confused as to where the pennies are all going as he is not able to retrieve them from the box. He begins to suspect that his Uncle Ignatius is stealing them and spending them on cheap cider and lady escorts. Uncle Ignatius’ death two years later, which bears all the hallmarks of a wizard revenge attack, seems to confirm Little Bobby’s theorem. RRP £11.99

2) Big Sword Masters. This is Little Bobby’s second favourite toy-set. It comprises a number of fat plastic figurines with anatomically incorrect muscles and bob haircuts. They each have improbably large swords and appropriate names to reflect their blade of choice: Broadswordigle, Scimitar Jim, Stu the Fusilier, and so on. With a stab stab here and a chop chop there, many is the happy afternoon Little Bobby spends making those Big Sword Masters mutilate and dismember one another. They are his gladiators and he is their little blonde bastard of a Roman emperor. RRP £8.99 per figurine

3) Little Jazzy Boy’s First Toy Saxophone. After Little Bobby has tired of playing Caligula, he retires to his den, which he has fitted out like a 50s New York jazz club. In tribute to his hero, John Coltrane, he picks up his toy syringe and spoon set and shoots up (don’t worry mums and dads – it’s not real heroin!). Then he blows out a sad scale on his Little Jazzy Boy’s First Toy Saxophone, cold and low. Badder-ba-DWEEP-bob, DWEEP-bop, GREEP-bob, squabadder-ber-badder. Hot shit Daddyo. Little Bobby is on fire! Tonight he is blowing for all of the down and outs and threadbare deadbeats and burned-out bumbears. Twiddle-eep-bomb. Thelonious Wow! Little Bobby is one hep cat. RRP £15.49.

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7 Responses to “Toy Story”

  1. oldrope Says:

    I had several of those as a child, though they were slightly more amateurish 80s versions… the toy heroin was more like morphine, the men with swords had fewer pixels and just seemed to be a series of crude squares and the wizard was a sex pest who hung around our school.

    Happy days!

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I know for a fact, Old Rope, that as a child growing up in 80s Merseyside, you had nuttin ter play with except seagull’s bones.

  3. oldrope Says:

    Hey! We may not have had hills like round Sheffield way, but we were allowed to play on old dumping grounds instead. No joke. The infamous festival gardens were (poorly) built on an old tip, Michael Heseltine even came to tell us how fucking grateful we should be

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    In case any of our less politically savvy or transatlantic readers are wondering what Michael Heseltine looks like, they might want to take a peek at this:

  5. oldrope Says:

    That actually DOES look like him, which is kind of scary

  6. Banjo Fett Says:

    I can’t believe you missed out The Mugwumps, which came complete with the awesome Castle Benway sex-and-junk clinic.

    I was the envy of the playground because I had most of the set. My favourite action figure was definitely Old Bill. “I HAVE THE RENTBOOOYYYYSSSS!! MUGWUMPS… MUGWUMPS… MUGWUMPS… HO!!”

  7. johnlebaptiste Says:

    A culpable oversight. Little Bobby loved his Interzone Playpen, and said to say thanks to ‘Uncy and Aunty Fett’.

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