Titanic

by

I’ve never seen it. Shan’t, either. It goes a bit like this though, right?

Crewman Jenkins sounds the foghorn, peering through the fusty nacht like a blinkered hoss at a barn fire.

“Blaggards ‘pon the prow, sah!” he oinks.

Captain Roscoe Holcombe enters the main-swale, engagingly flustered with a hot beefiness only fleetingly dreamed of by the dingo-muff clad savages of yore.

“Into the fray once more, Jenkins!” he cries, spilling not one drop of Earl Grey from his china cup.

Jenkins looks ‘pon his captain with smirking adulation.

“Yes sah!” he weeps angrily.

The pair flounce off, embroiled, onto the darkened poop-deck.

Below decks, a party ensues. Toffs and sloop-wallahs fandango their ponces about the floor like jaunty porcini, all the while pronging their head-flaps to some juicy grooves from the rhythm pit.

Unbeknowingly to them there folks, there loitered a grunt of the middlingest oik, that, would they knowst, them and theirs might lynch that piglet much as look at his potato-chops.

“Argh!” he scrotes. “Me jibber-horn does belt for thee, our Wendy!!”

Clutching his navel, he calls his betrovel from the shadowy meshuggah. She flits near, momentary-like, and flits away.

“Graaagh!!” whines he. “Thou art globbled in my harris!”

Wendy bustles near with an air of Moorish courage, in pignorance of the lordly disdain about her.

“Not to be is our musty sexing!” she wails smokily. “Not on this big buggering boat, anyhope.”

At this point the music stops as the ship hits an anomaly in space/time, causing the universe and everything in it to cease to exist. The end credits merely show a photograph of James Cameron’s childhood best friend, a stray dog called Scranton, along with the words: “I fucking told you so.”

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5 Responses to “Titanic”

  1. johnlebaptiste Says:

    “Toffs and sloop-wallahs fandango their ponces about the floor like jaunty porcini, all the while pronging their head-flaps to some juicy grooves from the rhythm pit”

    This is Joyce-tastic. Ace work Sir Fett.

  2. Banjo Fett Says:

    Thank ye, guv’nor. One tries one’s bestest.

    I hate to smug-off, but I think those might be the best six lines of dialogue I’ve ever written.

  3. oldrope Says:

    Yes I rather liked it too. Had it not already been made, I would suggest raising millions of dollars in capital and having this blighter filmed. Wonder if there’ll be a sequel?

  4. Banjo Fett Says:

    I believe Cameron did shoot a (as yet unreleased) sequel, called The Adventures of Scranton The Bum-Sniffing Dog.

    I think there were some censorship issues. And plot issues.

  5. oldrope Says:

    Is that David Cameron? I know he has been busy of late, I just wasn’t sure how busy

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