You know how fat insecure businessmen are always banging on about ‘the Art of War’ by Sun Tzu? Well I eat Sun Tzu for breakfast, except on a Saturday when my mum gets croissants from the supermarket. It is claimed (by morons) that Sun Tzu’s militaristic musings hold the key to effective business leadership. This is poppycock-and-balls. For my money, there is only one example from the ancient world that can impart true leadership wisdom, and that is the life of Caligula, as represented in the Tinto Brass biopic, ‘Caligula’. Heed the following and you will become king of the managers, or your money back!

The fragrant Helen Mirren in Caligula

The Art of Effective Leadership according to Caligula

Stick a horse in the senate

Impregnate it

Refuse to give it maternity leave,

Insist, on the contrary, that it dances for you,

While fulfilling all of the duties of office.

Grow weary of the pregnant horse dancing.

Shoot it.

Boil it down for glue.

Impregnate the glue.

Have glue babies.

Let them loose on the plebiscites.

When the glue babies come back to claim their reward,

Boil them down into a non-adhesive substance.

Stick it in the eyes of your sister.

Whom you love.


Spend 15 minutes thinking of the most incongruous thing you could try to impregnate.


Play pinball.

Increase taxes.

Blame immigrants for increase in taxes, horse deaths, glue-baby-attacks and non-adhesive-glue-in-eye incidents.

Start again.


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7 Responses to “Caligula”

  1. oldrope Says:

    Aren’t Poppycock-and-balls running for the leadership of the Labour party?

    And as for glue babies, they are cute when they are little but they grow up and boy are the mean

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    How good would it be if Ed Balls’ wife were named after a part of the female anatomy. The Right Honourable Balls and his partner, The Right Honourable Vulva, MP for Fallopian West.

    Glue Babies give me the wigginseses.

  3. spicyeggnog Says:

    Do you have the above in Powerpoint?

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Yes, and I can be booked for teambuilding events and conferences, should the good folk at Eggnogcorp require extra tutelage in the ways of management.

  5. oldrope Says:

    Nog, he is just interested in the free feed at these kind of events. He gets one of his underlings to skip the slides extra fast while he waves his hands around for 5 minutes then blithly asking any questions. He sighs like a dying horse should anyone have the gall to ask any, then heads straight for the buffet.

  6. Banjo Fett Says:

    A fascinating insight into being the boss, JLB. The highs, the lows, the moribund middle bits. In fact, mainly those bits.

  7. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I like that the following advertisement has been interpolated after the above entry by Google:

    Ads by Google
    Great Customer Service
    Deliver Excellent Customer Service With Our Interactive Two Day Course

    Just to clarify, Mr Google, by affixing this ad to my poem you do know that you are giving your sanction to horse impregnation by Roman emperors?

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