Rocky Balboa

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After the unmitigated failure that was ‘Rocky Balboa’, Sylvester Stallone was banned from ever making a film again. What was worse, they chopped him into little bits and sold the resulting Stallone-meat as merchandise to tie in with the DVD release. Most of Stallone is currently in frozen storage in a Hollywood warehouse. Here is the advert for the Stallone-meat in question:

Boxer Meat! Two for a pound! Get yer Rocky Sausages. Two Italian-American pugilist’s cheeks tubed and lubed into a sexy sausage skin. Stick it in yer hot dogs! Whack it in yer mash! Two long Rocky dongers for one pound sterling. Primo cheek-meat in a meaty donger. Get yer Rocky bangers here.

Balboa Burgers! You wanna ingest Rocky’s abdominal muscles? Now you can good buddy. Three fat patties spanked flat. No gristle. No grease. Just lean, mean Rocky-belly in a puffy bap. I’ll stick ’em in a carrier bag for you or you can hold ’em all bloody and bulbous in yer paws like Jackie Onassis clutching JFK’s exploded brains in her hands and wishing she would have had a snack before she got in that fateful Dallas limo. Look at you. Lickin’ yer lips. I don’t blame yer buddy. These Balboa burgers are so tasty I could regurgitate them up then eat them all over again. Yummo. Scrummo.

Stallone Bollock Haggis! It’s a traditional Scottish recipe. It’s organic. It’s hearty. It’s Sly’s big fleshy testes in a cow’s stomach lining. Each teste weighed 2 stone. There’s enough for all of the family. Yer kids’ll never starve again. Feed Little Bobby one of these Ballbag haggises and he’ll grow up to be a hairy colossus and the scourge of weaker children everywhere.

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13 Responses to “Rocky Balboa”

  1. spicyeggnog Says:

    What? No beard of meat? Worst protein based promo ever!

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Omar Sharif’s estate have got the ‘beard of meat’ promo trademarked. Likewise the ‘sausage moustache’.

  3. Banjo Fett Says:

    Uhhh, ‘bollock haggis’. Hooorrrp.

    I will be investing in a Mincemeat Merkin for the festive season, but Stallone-branded merkins are a little pricey for me.

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I bought 12 Steven Seagal meat merkins for £1.50 in Aldi. Bargain!

  5. Banjo Fett Says:

    A dozen merkins for one-fiddy! That’s Scandinavian for value. Do they do Quorn merkins at all? Maybe Keanu Reeves branded ones?

  6. johnlebaptiste Says:

    No Quorn ones I’m afraid. They have to be made of the reconstituted flesh of celebrities. It’s one of those loony EU rules I suppose. This said, I had a bucket of Jamie Foxx wings the other day and they were skee-rumptious, let me tell you!

  7. johnlebaptiste Says:

    If you look closely at the toy-meat packaging above, you can see the faint outline of Apollo Creed leering reproachfully through the plastic, like Banquo at the dinner feast.

  8. Banjo Fett Says:

    Why does the meat come with a shirt? Is nude meat obscene, yet put a shirt on it and it becomes respectable?

  9. johnlebaptiste Says:

    A bloody pair of y-fronts might have been more appropriate. I don’t know why, but it would.

  10. Banjo Fett Says:

    I’m going to ask for clothes with my meat next time I’m in the butcher. “Five pork and apple sausages in a glove, my man. And two of those rump steaks in a pair of briefs.”

  11. dangerousmeredith Says:

    God, I wish this were true. Unfortunately the wretched man is back in action and has a new film ‘The Expendables’ coming out. It looks ridiculous. Do you guys take requests? Write a review on that.

  12. oldrope Says:

    I double dares you. And, Meredith, they knows the rules we have established re double dares on AR. Splain its to the man fellas…

  13. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I did one on the Expendables a while back. Well, technically I reviewed the gurning kebab-meat faces of all of the principle actors, rather than the film itself. It might be one to have a think about.

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