The Nutty Professor


The Nutty Professor shoots the pedagogical shit

The Nutty Professor is probably a collegiate satire focused on the peccadilloes of a nut-obsessed academic, much like Kingsley Amis’ Lucky Jim or Clive Barker’s Nightbreed. I can’t be sure, of course, as I haven’t seen it. Here is a poem written from the perspective of the nutty professor in question:

Nuts 101

Hazelnuts are good for virility

Walnuts make menopausal women merry

Brazil Nuts can make you handsome like Tom Selleck

Or jowled and matronly like Matthew Perry

(It’s 50/50)

Pine Nuts can cause wistfulness

Hazelnuts are said to augur political instability

In extreme cases, Cashew Nuts

Have been known to cause severe mental disability.

Chestnuts are not suitable for children.

Peanuts are not a substitute for children.

Butternut Squashes are the cuckoos of the nut kingdom

And typically take over the nests of weaker nuts

And feast on their young.

In all of my research, the most intriguing specimen I ever discovered was a semi-digested peanut salvaged from the faeces of Napoleon Bonaparte. Truly, that nut had gazed upon the stomach lining of greatness. It now sits in a little perspex display cabinet in the British Museum. You should check it out sometime.

Now, class, please turn to page 3 of your handout…


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3 Responses to “The Nutty Professor”

  1. Banjo Fett Says:

    Erm, sir? Page three of my handout is just a close-up picture of what appears to be a pair of very hairy walnuts, still in their shells.

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Fnarrrr! Eh, eh?

  3. Banjo Fett Says:

    CWOOORRRR etc.

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