Agoraphobic Reviewer 1 year anniversary!


The Agoraphobic Reviewer staff plus assorted chumps on a team-building exercise in Ipswich

Another year rolls round, disgustingly, like a fetid ball of putrid matter tumbling out of a tiny, grubby orifice in the fabric of reality, furtively imposing itself in all its rancid odium on our jaded, despairing attention like an unwanted dead Christmas pet returned from the grave and poking its necrotic snout through the catflap. Yes friends, that’s right! The Agoraphobic Reviewer is 1 year old! Hooray! Crack open the wet wipes! Turn on the air conditioning! It’s going to be one hell of a party!

The Agoraphobic Reviewer was first conceived as a means of gentrifying the internet and as an online haven for the world’s most tremendous minds. Very quickly it turned into a site wherein a little fat man with an overbite and a thesaurus (that’s me chums!) wrote pointless reviews of films he had never seen. Such is the entropic nature of all things, tending terminally towards decay and degeneration.

But hold your miserable horses mister! After an abortive beginning, things started to improve. The small, plump buffoon made some friends. He was joined first by the bluegrass bard Banjo Chutney (nee Fett), who seared his way onto our consciousnesses with a series of ‘Unnecessary Film Sequels’. My favourite Banjo Chutney piece to date is his poem on Omar Sharif’s beard of beef (check it out in the search bar to your right).

Next came Pariah Rustbucket, the mysterious scholar-visionary, who pumped her way into the minds of AR readers like a Puffing Billy steam train with a piece on the lost chapters of 1984. Rustbucket writes like Yeats would have written had he not wasted his life fiddling about with gyres in his potting shed. I recommend her review of Tron Legacy.

Spicy Eggnog touched down next with a hot slice of review flan on Invictus. This is Eggnog’s only contribution to date, but it is a devilish rectangle of Satanic genius. I demand more!

Last to join this motley band of reprobates was Old Rope. Before he became a contributor to the AR, Old Rope had already forged himself a large and loyal readership on his own blog, like a scientist creating an enormous titanium butler. Indeed, it was Old Rope’s site that inspired me to start up the AR in the first place. Thanks Rope. Of Ropey’s entries on this blog I would have to say that Kes is my favourite, followed closely by Furia di Titanes (Clash of the Titans to congenital gringos such as you and I).

Well, that’s all chums. Have a root round in the archives: see if anything wets your parched beaks. Meanwhile, the party plans are afoot! If anyone would like to join me tonight for a celebratory can of dogfood and a cry, I’ll be sitting outside WH Smiths in St Pancras Station, London, from 7pm. See you there not-watching-film-fans.


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21 Responses to “Agoraphobic Reviewer 1 year anniversary!”

  1. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Ok, this has to be the strangest combination of search terms that people have used to get to the AR so far:

    star wars spaceships
    millipede tattoo
    bat wings veins
    3d porn millipede

  2. Banjo Fett Says:

    I pity the depraved mind that was scouring the net for 3D millipede porn and instead found this repository for jumbled thoughts.

    And Happy Birthday, Agoraphobic Reviewerers!! I have corncrake cake and medium drinks for everyone. Cheers!

  3. oldrope Says:

    I echo that! Happy birthday to the AR!!! One year older and one year wiser… wiser to the perverts who pervade the choppy seas of the internet.

    Warning: I have spiked the punch, will be dishing out funky ciggies in the stationary cupboard and have got the horn for everyone in this staff party.

    Fire up that photocopier and get yer pantaloons off chaps!!!

    A toast to the Agoraphobic Reviewer!

  4. Banjo Fett Says:

    And beards of beef for all!

  5. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I’ll have two of what anyone is offering. Except for the 3D porn millipede. One thousand 3D porn legs are more than enough.

  6. oldrope Says:

    Tally pip!!! ALl the more ‘pede for me!

  7. johnlebaptiste Says:


  8. Banjo Fett Says:

    Actually, ‘Millipede’ is the name of a militant paedophile action group.

    I was just a bit sick in my mouth at the thought.

  9. spicyeggnog Says:

    I wonder if this blog has been banned anywhere yet?

  10. oldrope Says:

    It’s been banned in my house that’s for sure. For we are a family of decent morals and oldfashioned ideas of what is right and wrong. And you lot are fucking wrong.

    Let’s make love on the floor right now

  11. oldrope Says:

    I forgot to say, I knocked up a new header for the birthday celebrations. JLB wanted a godfather one and so he shall have one…

  12. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Many thanks Ropey. If this blog hasn’t been banned anywhere yet then we are not trying hard enough. We need to select the sour-grapesiest of all the international dictators, then bully them mercilessly until they ban us. I reckon Gadafi or Mugabe wouln’t be too difficult to wind up, but I’m open to suggestions.

  13. oldrope Says:

    We used to have loads of the buggers in my present part of the world. But it seems they are more scarce these days. For shame!!! What’s the world coming to when people can vote for their (albeit ineffectual) leaders…? What people really crave is a man in jackboots with a tash and a hat to rule them with an iron rod and grind them into the ground. Surely…

  14. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Jackboot Johnny
    He got an iron ‘tache
    Jackboot Johnny
    He got a nasty rash
    Jackboot Johnny
    He allergic to iron
    Jackboot Johnny
    It difficult to dictate when you scratching and cryin’

    9 out of 10 dictators recommend No-Sneeze anti-allergy capsules.

  15. Banjo Fett Says:

    In honour of AR’s birthing day, I’ve uploaded this review of a rubber pig mask on Amazon. Check out the tags:

  16. johnlebaptiste Says:

    There are going to be a lot of confused ‘Lawrence of Arabia’ fans out there.

  17. dangerousmeredith Says:

    um… happy birthday!

  18. oldrope Says:

    Fett, long time reader of your Amazon reviews, first time caller. As a man who routinely slays animals then wears their faces as a ghoulish substitute for my own, this mask looks like a godsend. All to often with ‘real’ pig faces, the flesh starts to hum a bit and within a week it all gets a bit Lord of the Flies. When really I want Lord of the Dance (the dance is the [pork] Sirloin Shuffle)

  19. Banjo Fett Says:

    Ah, the thing with real pig faces is you’ve got to shear all the fat from the underside, then pitch it in salt for a month. That way it preserves and leatherises it real tasty, like.

    Either that or smear your own excrement all over your chest to mask the dead pig aroma.

  20. oldrope Says:

    I hope you will eat this ill chosen comment in light of Libyan events JLB:

    Also, name your theme for the next header please!

  21. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Dear Old,

    Thank you for your letter. I did eat the comment, thank you, and it was delicious. My compliments to the pustulent boilbag who served it you at whichever fast food emporium you and your gang of gaseous delinquents currently terrorise.

    A Jurassic park theme with the head of John Le Baptiste on top of the body of a T-Rex would be sweet, thanks. Is it doable?

    Best wishes,
    Uncle Pudding

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