The Graduate


Hello. Have you graduated from university? If so, have you subsequently been asked for money by the university at which you studied, as if you hadn’t already paid through the nose for a degree? Somewhat exasperating, is it not? Anyway,  in ‘The Graduate’ Dustin Hoffman plays one of those avaricious little flunkies who carry out their college’s wicked bidding by pestering its alumni for money. It is a grubby representation of an even grubbier world. Here is an extract from one of Hoffman’s speeches:

Huzzah! Bonking Good Show Chaps! Now let's go and see if there are any jobs going at McDonalds!

Hi guys. I’m an alumnus of the University of Mammon,

And I’d like to talk to you about supporting

Your university after you graduate.

Now, I know you’ve already paid upwards

Of $50, 000 for a degree.

And I know you had to flip scabrous discs of cow

In Big Teddy’s House of Meat Buttons,

Or some other fast-food inferno,

And pimp your own wretched frame

To gasping executives on

Disenchanted ground

In order to afford this abject travesty

Of an education.

But we want you to pay more.

Heaps more.


Because we are Beelzebub’s minions

And all our delight is in ungodly pursuits.

Now are you going to harvest your own kidneys

Or would you like us to do it for you?


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7 Responses to “The Graduate”

  1. oldrope Says:

    Yes, I always thought it was a bit cheeky. But then I assumed it was because I never wented to college. I graduated from the school of Hard Cocks.

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    That’s not what I heard. I heard you matriculated at Floppy Dick’s House of Sloppy Pancakes, with honours and maple syrup.

  3. oldrope Says:

    Hey! Quit the badmouthing, Einstein famously got a third from Floppy Dick’s House of Sloppy Pancakes…

  4. pariahrustbucket Says:

    I have third degree burns from flipping scabrous discs of cow.

  5. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I have a third-class degree in Scabrous Discs of Cow studies. Thus I win!

  6. dangerous meredith Says:

    This is so close to the truth that it is sort of not funny.

  7. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I know what you mean. I wrote it with a hollow and bitter chuckle curdling ‘pon my lips.

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