A Fistful of Dollars

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Inexplicably, I have never seen ‘A Fistful of Dollars’. Here is my review of it:

Bob Hope in 'A Fistful of Dollars'

Old Cow-Jaw gulps a happy laugh like a teenage donkey drunk on buffalo piss. Haw haw. Haw haw.  He grips a shotgun to his chest like it was the Virgin Mary and he was a crazy shepherd in heat. Haw haw. Haw haw. Old Cow-Jaw never had too much time for Bible-learning. Mount Sinai might as well be a cattle ranch. And Moses might as well be a steer.

Haw!

The sluice from his gums fires out in torpedoes of brown silt. SPITOINK. His jowls are juicy with puddles of tobacco. SPPPOINK. It splashes on the hooves of the beasts and the boots of the men. PER-TOING.

This here is Devil Town, and Old Cow-Jaw is the most salivatory, sacreligious son of a nickel-tickling sinner old Devil Town ever saw.

He smacks a horse on the snout quick and mean. “Stay down mare or I’ll whipsnake those purdy nostrils offa your smellin’-parts. I can read mares’ minds and you are one mean-minded mare.” He puffs pipe smoke into its eyes. Haw haw. Haw haw. Stupid mare.

Old Cow-Jaw is played by Bob Hope. Big Bob Hope, the Beefy Blimp of the U.S. version of Bollywood. Big Bob Hope who lived to the ripe old age of 146. Big Bob Hope who was completely hairless like a baby, even when he wasn’t a baby. His wife had to talc him top and tail every morning to prevent chafing. Secretly Mrs Hope longed for a swarthy hirsute gentleman.

The Man With No Nickname AKA Ralph Beasly, is played by Clint Eastwood. Many men have tried to give him a nickname and now they’re six-feet deep. Ralphster, Ralph-Malph, R-Man, Bease-Master, T-Bone – before any of these nicknames could stick, Ralph Beasly shot a hole right through ’em. He’s got one name, and it’s the name on his birth certificate. Reckless nomenclature can get a man killed round these parts.

‘A Fistful of Dollars’ is directed by Sergio Leone. It’s pretty interesting. Check it out.

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2 Responses to “A Fistful of Dollars”

  1. oldrope Says:

    I like the way it shows how physically challenging it is to hold a fistful of dollars. Especially because in them there days of the wilewess dollars were actually the size of a small child and had many jagged edges. When Eastwood winces at 1:12:34 you know it is real. You know this because the film’s runner says so on the audio commentary you cannot turn off on your blag copy of the film. Never buy your moving pictures down the local saloon, some lown down doity scuttle ratsnake basta is a tryin to jack you some snickleweed and make him some brass. You need to shoot men like these stone dead in the ground rather than give them your hard stole dollars. My daddy didn’t sail halfaways round the world for this kind of shit.
    My favourite bit is where they pat the horse.

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Pat pat, lil hossy, pat pat. You’s the best friend I ever had. You’s real sleek and fast. Mm-mm. Pat pat, lil hossy. Pat pat.

    I think you are thinking of a ‘Fishful of Drachmas’, the Greek film about their national currency-based seafood dish.

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