Hot incinerating munchkins! Speculation regarding Christopher Nolan’s new ostensibly Batman-unrelated film, Inception, is at an all-time high. According to an secret poll carried out by shadowy people with mysterious clipboards, 67% of cinemagoers say that they are 43% more curious about the content of Inception than they were 3 days ago. At this very moment Nolan must be licking up those figures as if he were a fat Cheshire cat and they were llama’s milk! I think it’s fair to say, however, that the following things will definitely happen in Inception:

Roarrr! I am Inception, the Mysterious Brine Monster

Leonardo Dicaprio will look at his watch and say either ‘it’s time’, ‘we’re late’, ‘we’re not late’, ‘are we late?’, ‘it goes down in seven minutes’, ‘the clock’s ticking, boys’ or ‘we’d better synchronise this shit, fellas’. Then he will run across some kind of street or corridor or hall throwing his little fists up like a porky toddler. He will then (not in this order) look at an innocuous object and say ‘that’s strange’, look at a strange object and say ‘that’s innocuous’, and then say “well, how can we tell what’s strange anymore, Bunty?”, to which Bunty will give a comprehensive and plausible response.

He will probably eat something in the course of the film. Something like a quiche or maybe a packet of M & Ms. As he finishes the last of the M&Ms he will smack his lips and say “Ah! Magnifique! My compliments to the chef” causing hilarity among his dinner guests. Then he will grow melancholy and remove his wig, asking his friend, The Duchess, or maybe that tiresome buffoon, Braganzi, to dim the lights. “I have a terrible truth to tell you” he will say, with the candle light shining yellow on his youthful head like a massive luminescent buttercup. Then he will tell the terrible truth and everyone will say things like “Shiiiiit”, “Whaaat?”, “It cannot be!” and “I am very incredulous”.

Then he will put a cape on, more like that of a tawdry, down-at-heel Oxbridge lecturer than a full Batman-style Swoop-Master. He will probably then go to the doctors and say “Is it bad, doc?” and the doctor will say “It depends what you mean by ‘bad’”. Then he will say “By ‘bad’ I mean ‘not good’”. “Oh, I see what you mean” the doctor will say, “in that case you’re completely fucked.”. “You’re an ass doc, but I got no-one else” Leo will say. “Take your trousers off” the doctor will reply.

In the course of a routine endoscopy, the doctor will discover some kind of evil government chip in Leonardo Dicaprio’s colon. “We gotta get this out” the doctor will say. But he is too late. For the chip will already have been activated. “Run” the doctor will say “everyone out”. Then Leonardo’s little white bottom will explode with the force of an incendiary bomb. But this will only be the beginning…


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

9 Responses to “Inception”

  1. oldrope Says:

    Have you been stealing treatments from Hollywood again? Why can’t you just wait for the blasted things to be in your local picturehouse like everyone else? This impatience will be your downfall. I knows it.

    As for cinemagoers, I never did like them. I dont think you can trust them, I mean, who knows what they get up to with their sordid lifestyles and filty habits. I suppose it’s not too bad as long as they keep it behind doors, but I dont want them thrusting their lifestyle in my face. Bloody cinemagoers.

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Flipping lifestyles. I’ve had it with flipping lifestyles. I had three yesterday and couldn’t get to sleep All Night.

    I hate being shushed in the cinema. My observations are invariably hilarious and profound, so why must they insist on silencing me? It’s like Iran is what it is. If the shushers are reading this, I say this to them:


  3. oldrope Says:

    Your popcorn is too expensive. I have taken to smuggling in my own.

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    That explains all of the puffy yellow foodstuffs that my gang (Julian, George, Dick, Anne, Timmy and I) found down by smuggler’s cove the other night.

  5. oldrope Says:

    That wasn’t food…

  6. spicyeggnog Says:

    There is only one lifestyle worth living: deviant and destructive. Kapow!!!

  7. johnlebaptiste Says:

    That’s a pretty good lifestyle, but I also like the following:

    -Fast and Flatulent
    -Crazy but Prudent
    -Topsy-Turvy and Touchy-Feely (it’s easier to cop a feel when the feelee is upside down)
    -Autocratic and Autoerotic
    -Buffed and Bored
    -Smooth and Snotty

  8. oldrope Says:

    I quite like those who live my these moral codes

    erogenous and and prodigious
    Rumple and stiltskin
    Proud and erect
    Sloppy and sanguine
    Pained, Painful and Painted
    Tutelage and boobelage

  9. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I saw Inception last week by accident and my predictions were pretty flipping spot on. Especially where Leo’s exploding bum is concerned.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: