Cat People


In Britain, the 1982 film ‘Cat People’ is best known as the movie that gave birth to the TV franchise, ‘The Shoe People’. Many Britons of a particular age remember rushing home from school every Thursday to watch ‘The Shoe People’, in which a bunch of debauched brothel creepers, doc martins, espadrilles and ballerina pumps savagely bit each others soles off and acted out abject psychosexual scenarios involving shoehorns. They don’t make children’s TV like that anymore. Anyway, here’s a poem about ‘Cat People’.

The ancient ones tell of a legend,

A legend so powerful that it

Cannot be written down,

Although it can be made into

A low-budget film starring Malcolm Mcdowell.

(David Bowie: Reeeeowwwrrreeerrr)

And now the legend is becoming reality

For the zoo is honking and gnashing

And the cats in the vetinary surgery

Will not be put down

And are calling their lawyers

And citing scripture and telling of

The Coming of the Feline Jesus

(David Bowie: Wur-hur-hur, he’s com-ma-hing)

Mcdowell steps into the light.

Whiskers sprout where once spouted Nadsat,

Where once was a Roman robe,

Now is a fat mound of pink furze.

He yawns and un-retracts his claws.

He rolls his heavy cannonball of a head

And defecates upon a sandy throne.

(David Bowie: Oo-hoo-wurgh-hurgh, Cat People)

This velveteen man-mog will be the death of us all.

This wool-loving Magog shall eat our young.

Lock your catflaps.

Load your stun-guns

Bagpuss cometh.


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13 Responses to “Cat People”

  1. johnlebaptiste Says:

    In case any of our non-UK readers are wondering who or what Bagpuss is, here is an explanatory link:

    Here is a link to a picture of the Shoe People. Note the ominous tagline:

  2. oldrope Says:

    My fave episode of The Shoe People was when a penny loafer was caught slapping around a soiled pair of Converse that thought they were cool. It’s all a bit off rough fun till a couple of Moccasins show up and things turn nasty. There was leather and deerskin everywhere.

    My fave type of shoe is the Jesus sandal or any of the above.

    My favourite type of cat is a Yoko Ono

    My favourite type of person is an Andie MacDowell, star of Four Weddings and A Funeral

  3. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I find Andie MacDowell bland and featureless, like a boring foetus.

    That was a pretty good episode of The Shoe People. I liked the one where Shoe God descended from Heaven and forgave all of the shoes their trespasses.

    I like the theme tune too:

    Down at the bottom of the garden
    Among the birds and the bees
    There live a lot of little people
    They’re called the Poddington Shoes.

  4. oldrope Says:

    Ha ha, marvellous! I laughed real tears at that.

  5. spicyeggnog Says:

    Cat cat cat people, screw like the wind:

  6. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Ah, the tremendous Neely. Nice link Eggnog. When are you going to enter the Henry Fool poem competition you terrible beast?

  7. oldrope Says:

    Beastly beast

  8. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Wicked Beast!

  9. oldrope Says:

    Frightful beast!

  10. spicyeggnog Says:

    Scrumptious Feast!

  11. oldrope Says:

    Self-raising yeast

  12. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Slippery piste

  13. oldrope Says:

    Hickory teets

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