Henry Fool poem competition – call for entries


Hal Hartley’s masterpiece, Henry Fool, is one of the few films that Banjo Fett and I have watched. We are busy men, who take our Pig Rodeo business very seriously. But we can always make time for a film about a laconic binman who befriends a scoundrel and, as a result, becomes a famous poet. In the film in question, Simon Grim, the binman, writes a poem that makes him a cause celebre among the literati as well as notorious among the prudish and reactionary. Frustratingly, we, the viewers, never get to see or hear the poem.

Consequently, I hereby announce a competition to see who can write the most plausible approximation of this unseen poem. The five consecrated Agoraphobic Reviewer contributors will I trust contribute their own entries (if they please) in the form of posts. If any of our considerable readership (2 and counting!) would like to enter the competition, please do so in the comments section. The winnerwill receive the Nobel Prize for Literature and a book token worth £3. I am the judge. Here is my entry (the current frontrunner):

Creepy Babies’ by Simon Grim


Creepy Babies, Creepy Babies,

Flick knives ‘n’ bicycle chains

Tiny leather jackets ‘n’

A heavy mist of pomade

Upon their wispy quiffs.

It’s a Baby Fight!

It’s a Baby Fight!


I cannot cry

Since the Creepy Babies

Duct-taped my eye

And grouted my tear ducts


Creepy Babies, Creepy Babies:

Peeking through the letterbox.

Creepy Babies, Creepy Babies:

Hiding beneath your bed.

Waiting to shiv you.

Waiting to feast

On your face-meat


Rusks on the gravel,

A solitary bib:

This Baby Fight is over.


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14 Responses to “Henry Fool poem competition – call for entries”

  1. Banjo Fett Says:

    That’s not only disturbing and scary, it’s also uncannily timely as we’ve just had a pair of babies brought into the office by their mothers, who are employees here.

    I thought there was going to be a baby fight. Sadly it was just a parade of supposed cuteness.

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    What kind of PC-gone-mad world are we living in when two consenting babies can’t engage in deadly combat in their mothers’ office? I trust you and your co-workers circled round them chanting ‘FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT’.

    I’ve been putting the words to music. It’s got a kind of Doors-y feel at the moment.

  3. johnlebaptiste Says:

    On that subject, how is morale at the Pig Rodeo office? I can’t remember giving those women maternity leave. It’s just impossible to be a responsible mother AND be a committed Pig Rodeo Rider. Just look at Jordan.

  4. oldrope Says:

    The way I read it, it’s the babies who work in the office. Which though it begs many questions about your employment policies JLB, sounds entirely plausible for the kind of substandard unprofessionalism and corner-cutting we have come to expect from the Pig Rodeo. You still haven’t paid out my winnings on my last gamble. Or my last gambol either for that matter.

    I accept your poem challenge, though I have not seen this (or indeed any) film

  5. Banjo Fett Says:

    The Pig Rodeo is going through hard times, due to coalition cutbacks. We’ve had to get rid of some of the genetically-modified pigs altogether. It’s been quite upsetting, especially seeing perfectly healthy pig-monkeys being put to the torch in a skip behind Somerfield.

  6. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I don’t know, watching those genetically modified pig monkeys burning up behind the supermarket, like a bunch of squealing mutant porcine Joan of Arcs was pretty invigorating.

    Old Rope: your winnings were spent on a bushel of Puffin bars, by you, right before your nan’s lover confiscated them. Your nan’s lover really is a harsh disciplinarian. I wouldn’t want her to get her hands on my puffins.

  7. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I forgot to say: come on boys, let’s have a round of poems!

  8. Banjo Fett Says:

    Sure thing, just popping down the dentist’s waiting room for some inspiration.

  9. oldrope Says:

    I for one was glad the GM piggies got what they deserved. I likes my pigs to feel pain and I don’t know what you boys did to those test tube freaks but they barely squealed when I had my alone time with them.

    Your poem is in the offing. But the floor needs sweeping after my plumber has left. As a man who has seen more than a fair few blue movies (hence no reviews here) you are all to aware of the sort of thing that happens when your plumber comes a plumbing.

    And I must have blocked the winnings spend spree from my brain

  10. Henry Fool poem competition – Bessie « The Agoraphobic Reviewer Says:

    […] The Agoraphobic Reviewer Reviewing films etc. so you (and I) don't have to watch them « Henry Fool poem competition – call for entries […]

  11. Henry Fool poem competition – The Grate American Poem « The Agoraphobic Reviewer Says:

    […] poem competition – The Grate American Poem By oldrope Unlike the former entrants to this competition, I have not seen the film Henry Fool. Thus I am ideally placed to surmise the contents of the […]

  12. Ferielønn « Fiskepudding Chronicles Says:

    […] woo on her before moving on. Some barbecued mayhem might be the catalyst for an entry for the Henry Fool contest at the AR. On my island paradise I have found two good spots for the old BBQ, by the sea, […]

  13. gregbrown Says:

    I don’t believe that the poem is in iambic pentameter. Listen, do you have twenty bucks I could borrow?

  14. johnlebaptiste Says:

    This man knows his Henry Fool. Dare ye enter the competition, Gregbrown?

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