Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure

by

The 1990s are a sinkhole in the swamp of time. A peculiar, embarrassing sinkhole. No film franchise reflects the weirdness of that time better than the Bill and Ted sagas. Although I have watched the Bill and Ted animated series box set numerous times over, I have never seen the original films. Why? Because I am a discerning connoisseur of quality televisual entertainment. Here is my review of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure…

Bill: "Incongruous polysyllabic word"; Ted: "Bowdlerized heavy metal-themed expression"

…“Frugalicious” says Bill

“Bumkins” says Ted

“Most superlative” says Bill.

“Fantastic” says Ted

“Audacious” says Bill

“Woah” says Ted

“Sententious” says Bill

“Perpendicular” says Ted

“Avaricious” says Bill

“Gastric” says Ted

“Fallacious” says Bill

Yeah!

Bill is wearing bodacious dungarees and a chic trapezoid scalp-muff. He is accosted by a stiff in shoulder-pads. They exchange pleasantries in the hip esperanto of the day. A kind of fumbly claw-fondle ensues, culminating in a furtive fist-bump. Hey, this guy knows how to parlay. Perhaps the stiff isn’t so stiff after all, eh Ted?

Perhaps you’re right, Bill, perhaps you’re right.

Ted is the tinier portion of the rocking pair. He sports a truckman’s dinner-smock and curly wurls of burnished gold. He brings a thoughtfulness to the cinematic table, but he is always ready with an uplifting and contemporary slogan should the situation require it. “Bobba-doo-doing, Woah!” he sometimes says. “Diggly-day, Dudefriends” he says, at other times.

In the course of their travails, in which important life lessons are learned and much sloganeering is sloganeered, Bill and Ted go back in time and meet Hitler. “Woah, Hitler dude, like, icsnae on the final solutionae”, they say. Hitler speaks in a funny accent and shrugs. Bill and Ted depart, groping at the air as if they were playing phantasmagoric ukuleles.

Later on, Bill and Ted meet Mary Queen of Scots just as she is being led to her execution. “Woah, babe, have you got any, like, haggises?”. Mary speaks in a funny accent and pretends to play an imaginary ukulele. “Yeah” Bill and Ted shout. “Yeah” shout the executioners. “Yeah” shouts Mary as her head comes flying off and lands in a basket of turnips.

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that ‘Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure’ is an abomination and the loathsome fruit of a hideous mind.

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4 Responses to “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”

  1. oldrope Says:

    Yabba-dabba-doo!

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    You’re thinking of Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey OR.

  3. oldrope Says:

    So I am! Now I know how their collective mother feels as she attempts to distinguish between her two insolent children

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Impudent progeny!

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