Lord of the Rings – The Fellowship of The Ring

by

One bling to rule them all

Having read all 600,000 pages of the Lord of the Rings Role Play instruction book (Spanish Edition) I consider myself reasonably well equipped to review the first instalment of Michael Jackson’s adaptation of the Roald Dahl classic novel.

The Fellowship of the Ring is a film about four little Irish Leprechauns and their quest to return a piece of defective jewellery to an Argos Extra store several towns over.

Along the way they are helped by Father Christmas, who’s jolly laugh, beard and spells enliven the trip no end. Since Santa is on his jollies the leprechauns call him by his old school nickname of Merlin and he does not wear his distinctive red pyjamas outfit, preferring instead a rather more shabby grey shawl. This does nowt to refute Santa’s rep round the estate as a dirty old paedo.

The first film of this expansive and in no way tedious triptych focuses on the plights of the wee bairns as they walk through a list of fictitious names and geographical locations, encountering all manner of pixies and gnomes who insist on reciting poetry in made-up languages. A little known fact is that Roald Dahl did not accurately and painstakingly create a new language especially for the books, he just made up some words as he went along and pretended it was authentic pixie-speak. I know a pixie and he says that what you see in the films is just a crude pastiche of Sprite-ish mixed with some stereotypical Nymph-like idioms. He also said the film was the most racially offensive thing he’d seen since the Smurfs. But I thought he was being too harsh. Some of my best friends are Smurfs and they don’t mind when I call them Blue Bastards. Don’t get that humourless pixie prick started on Slavic fairies or you’ll never hear the end of it.

Anyway, Frodo Ballbags and his pals are being chased through what is essentially the Lake District by some Goths who really like cheap catalogue store jewellery and don’t want to see the ring go to waste. After a detour to visit the Peak Cavern (also known as the Devil’s Arse) in Derbyshire where they saw some rocking stalactites and bought nattie hats in the gift shop, our diminutive friends decide to get lost in the woods. It is here that they meet the wife of a drab ‘rock-star’ who has swallowed all her husband’s studio effects processors after a particularly heavy party, causing her to talk with lots of echo and behave all funny like. Cate Blanchett turns in an admirable performance as Gwyneth Paltrow.

Actual size

Since Santa fell down a hole in the Peak Cavern (which boasts the deepest pitch in Britain) this rocker bird takes pity on the little lads. “Christmas shalt cometh early to our shortarse ring-bearing heroes, for fate and some mystical magical things devoid of coherence and substance decree ‘t! ” she drones, eerily before breaking into more poetry in a made-up language. She proceeds to give each of the Fellowship (named such because all of this sexist boy’s club are ‘fellows’) crappy chrimbo presents. “Does she not understand that a shitty fake gold gift was the very reason for thine quest in the first place?” cusses one of the Humanoids, anachronistically.

Still a couple of the lads get flick-knives, which might come in handy when they have to head back to the estates of County Armagh, the pixie gets a plastic bow and arrow kit and the gnome gets a pair of Paltrow’s soiled panties which he is understandably chuffed with. “These fair undercrackers shall sell for a pretty fortune on ebay methinks!” he chuckles whilst wanking into his own beard. Poor old Sam (played here by footballing dwarf Sammy Lee) gets nought but a rope to hang himself with, but fails to get the hint even when his so-called bezzie mate Frodo tries to do a runner on him. “Fuck off Sam,” spits Frodo, “This gang is only for cool people with Fila trainees and whose mam isn’t poor”.

As the credits roll the joke is on Frodo cos everyone knows Fila trainers are shit.

I give this film one ring to rule them all.

Coming soon: parts 2 and 3

See also: Lord of The Rings: The Two Towers

:: Lord of The Rings – The Return of The King
:: Lord of The Rings – The Two Towers

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10 Responses to “Lord of the Rings – The Fellowship of The Ring”

  1. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I don’t know why but this sentence made me hoot with laughter until my beak bled:

    “Along the way they are helped by Father Christmas, who’s jolly laugh, beard and spells enliven the trip no end.”

    Now I think about it, it is the winning combination of “jolly laugh, beard and spells.”

    Excellent review The Rope. Now you mention it, Lord of the Rings was pretty racist, especially when Samwise insisted on calling everyone ‘bwana’ and Pippin kept saying “yes boss” in a crude approximation of antebellum African American speech.

  2. oldrope Says:

    Well, I like a joke as well as the next Lord of Elrond, but it’s the kind of anti-goblin sentiment that has been brewing for years in Hollywood. I thought in this third (and elnlightened) age, we were past such groundless prejudice.

    Do people forget how pixie immigrants essentially saved the NHS in the seventies?

  3. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Well yeah, but I didn’t reckon much to their magical forest potions. That thalidomide certainly wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

  4. oldrope Says:

    True. Mayhaps they were trying to engineer a new ‘fantasy’ race like some sort of power mad Games Workshop employee…?

  5. johnlebaptiste Says:

    They should personalise the Games Workshop chain by changing its name to ‘James Workshop’. That way it sounds like a person. Here are some more suggestions:

    ‘Kentucky Fried Chicken’ could be changed to ‘Keith, the Fried Chicken’

    ‘Burger King’ could become ‘Burger Citizen’ to appeal to republicans.

    ‘Carphone Warehouse’ should become ‘Carl’s Phone Lounge’ (warehouses are a big turn-off for agoraphobes)

    ‘Subway’ needs a complete rebrand – the name is too subterranean and evocative of nasty red-eyed junkie Morlocks scrabbling about in tunnels. It should be renamed something like ‘Sandwich Mountain’.

    ‘The Church of England’ is way too formal and stuffy. ‘England’s Church’ is much better.

  6. oldrope Says:

    I agree. ‘Topshop’ could be the much more personal and comprehensible ‘Tom’s Shop’

    Whereas some have tried to follow your examples and failed.

    McDonalds – McDonald’s what? “… gonna get you?; “… gonna shoot you for eating cows on his land”

    Mothercare – My mother never cared

  7. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Look at you in your profile picture, Old Rope. Look at you with your little muffin. Look at you with your beard. Look at you with your little beard and your little muffin. Look at you with muffin remnants all in your beard. Look at you with muffin guilt etched across your bearded face. Look at you in the confession box shriving your muffin-stained soul. Look at the priest excommunicating you in disgust. Look at you wobbling about on unconsecrated ground, your beard a pube-curtain of despair, emptily rooting around in bins in search of your next muffin hit. Look at you dead. Look at Ma Rope on the news saying ‘Muffins done this to my boy’. Look at Jon Snow saying ‘but you never cared, Ma Rope’. Look at Ma Rope weeping. Look. Have a right good look. Go on.

  8. oldrope Says:

    True enough to drive me to tearful sugary hits. Note kids: Oreos are a gateway drug. Before long it’s brownies and the good shit.

    One factual error Baps, it’s not a beard it is simply laziness. Or it was at that time. I think that was pre-beard. I am now post-beard.

  9. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I’ve got the pre-beard blues.

  10. Lord of The Rings – The Return of The King « The Agoraphobic Reviewer Says:

    […] also :: Lord of The Rings – The Fellowship of The Ring :: Lord of The Rings – The Two […]

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