I’m Still Here


Hip hop enthusiasts! Put down your uzis and stop spelling letters with your fingers! There’s a hot new sound busting up the aural spectrum. Forget your Marky Mark, your Shabba Ranks and your MC Handpump. All of the real rap fans are grooving to a whole new scene. If you like your rhymez [sic] sick and your beatz [sic-er] dope, get down to your local record shop and ask for the latest ‘Joaquin Phoenix’ single. You can trust me, or my name isn’t Timothy Westwood, the famous rap historian. But if my word isn’t enough, check this out:

‘Rap-Scallionz, a rap’ by Joaquin Phoenix

The sweaty breath of sorrow

The mutton chops of madness

The swollen popsicle of motherly love.

I am a son of a tough bitch,

Popped out like a leathery parcel

From a mad dog’s vagina.

Boingle boingle boingle.

The Rap-Scallionz are descending on St Petersberg.

“And whoosh,

And whoosh”

He cried.

“Even God’s bidet

Could never rinse

My sins


Joaquin Phoenix, who put on 40 kg for his role in 'I'm still here', with his pocket-sized buddy, Pascal Diddy.


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9 Responses to “I’m Still Here”

  1. dangerousmeredith Says:

    The placement of the “Boingle, boingle, boingle” is masteful

  2. oldrope Says:

    I still prefer his earlier work when he was embroiled in a rap war with Heath Ledger…

  3. johnlebaptiste Says:

    DM – I know what you mean. A lot of people are being quite negative about Phoenix’s rapping but I think he’s quite the MC.

    OR – I’m not familiar with the Ledger-Phoenix rap war. Did they engage in flytings like the Scotch Egg Poets of old? Perhaps you could treat us to some choice quotations…

  4. oldrope Says:

    “Joaquin? Yo, a quill, I gots to write me some rap
    What kind of moniker
    What kind of handle
    Is Joaquin anyway?

    Need to school him some rap
    Need to cut his skin, deep and rough
    Rumour be, he put things in him anal gap
    The solution, in my cynical and prejudiced eyes
    Is cert to insert a circular metalic pellet
    Into the fleshy cushion
    flanking said gap

    ‘4uck Up D@ Phoenix 4 Y’all’ Heath Ledger
    From the album “Ledge Life”

  5. oldrope Says:

    I object to the title of this post. You are quite apparently NOT still here.

  6. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Yes I’m not.

  7. oldrope Says:

    Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

  8. johnlebaptiste Says:

    I’m trapped in my mind like a Chilean mind-miner.

  9. oldrope Says:

    Sir, rumours of your very real, very terminal death abound. Get a mop and start cleaning…

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