The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

by

This befel in the year of the Great Pussy Christ 2010 when the Bandy-Legged Gentile Babies fell into the land of the Mennonites Retail Park that formerly did shelter the Cursed Offal Eaters when they were banished from the Land of Tripes by the Black Pudding Jesus. And the littlest of the Seed-Bearing Mammalians, a smirksome Caucasoid, hight William, was tempted in that time by the bulging figs of confection that fell from the Whirring Fingers of that Womb-Wearing Lucifer, hight ‘The Witch’. “Ha Hee” cries she. “For your betrayal you shall live with me in my Sexy Hell with the Frosty Philistine Babies for a sweaty eternitude”. “But” says the recalcitrant sinner “it wert only fudgelumps good dame. Ye art o’er-hasty with talk of damnation”. But his protestations boot nothing. Bootless it were to fumble in wordy-ruffianplay with that terrible Busty Witch. Off to Sexy Hell with thee tiny scabrous infant.

Shortly in the afterwhiles, Jesus the Lion, that sleek, whiskered Messiah (lock up your springboks), did come to know of poor William’s fate. “Miaow” he spake. “To the Crucifixion Machine, children”. Leaving a devasted platter of breakfast bones jangling in his wake, Jesus the Lion sprang forth to sacrifice himself. “Checkmate” he roared at the sky, as he died on a special cross made for cats, thus absolving little William and a thousand other freckled satsuma-faced Sons of Adam with him. “Yeah” cried William. “I got to eat Turkish Delight and I escaped Sexy Hell. Double Whammy! Thank God for the Quadruped Christ!” And that is how, once again, the world was saved from unChristian folks.

Merry Christmas everyone.

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9 Responses to “The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”

  1. oldrope Says:

    I don’t get it, who played the Wardrobe?

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Hmmmmm. Let’s say Ikea Jones.

  3. oldrope Says:

    “Ikea Jones”. You didn’t say it!

  4. spicyeggnog Says:

    Was it just me or did the BBC show it like a million times in a week this Christmas? Then again I did go back home to Wales / Narnia / The Shire / Tibet / dragon’s bum / (insert own hilarious isolated fantasy location here) for Xmas.

  5. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Owen: Myfanwy Myfanwy! They’ve owenly shown that bloomin Narnia again, they have.

    Myfanwy: What happened in it this time, my love?

  6. oldrope Says:

    I did like this zinger from old unpronounceable, Peter Serafinowicz: “I wish that Prince Caspian film had been a bit Narnier” GUFFAW!

  7. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Haw haw. That one had me chuckling. But which is the Narniest of the Narnia films? You decide!

  8. oldrope Says:

    Dis fillum is like, well old innit. dirs like more nurnea filmz un shit now, u r so old n shit Agreeable River! Lolzz!!11111 u so por u cant not even go cinema n shit? not that i ever go nor nuffink i downlode all my shit, fuk da man

  9. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Ah! You speak Minotaur too! A wibbly wobbly to you too, Dear Little Friend.

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