Black Swan


Here’s a monologue from ‘Black Swan’, in which Natalie Portman’s brain explodes like a thousand angry goslings. Note the fragmented syntactical stumps, which betokeneth the onset of insanity:             

Natalie Portman, goose-stepping in Black Swan

Get your beaky bits off my pumps

And give me three pliets STAT

Scrap that

Battu, Bras. Bras bas.

Just stick your arm out like a beak

You clumsy meff.


Fiddly-dee. Dieu!

Puff it out. The swan is proud now.

Why are your knees bent

Like a be-ricketed Crazy Legs Crane.

Sur Les Demi-Pointes you terrible arse.

Ronde de jambe.

Ronde de JAMBE!

Oh for God’s sake just get me a ham and mustard.

And a can of Lilt please too.

It’s my birthday.


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8 Responses to “Black Swan”

  1. oldrope Says:

    I like the bit about the part about the bit where the bird pals up with a professional assassin to get revenge for the murder of her family and when she then gives birth to Luke Skywalker after the plank of wood she’s be fucking somehow turns into Darth Vader. Now there’s a Black Swan!

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Oh yeah, I mean when Luke lays that dirty egg then the bird, aged now and long in the tooth in her toothless beak so to speak, says ‘You’re a bum’. I mean. Really. I mean it.

  3. oldrope Says:

    Here’s a poem about a dirty egg.

    A woman, proud and ragged
    Drank a load of hooch
    She met a man and staggered
    To bed
    To do
    What peeps do.
    Festering inside
    her woolly pride, her womby insides
    It lay
    Then she lay
    A dirty egg
    Which hatched:
    It was me

    It’s called ‘Mother’

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Beautiful and revelatory

  5. oldrope Says:

    Like that strip show I did for your birthday last year?

  6. johnlebaptiste Says:

    No, I believe my exact words, or rather word, on that occasion was ‘deflatory’. Even so, are we still on for this year?

  7. oldrope Says:

    Not sure I’ve the stomach for it this year. Besides, the doctor cancelled my prescription for my pills and now I have to get them from a less than reputable internet source. I’m not sure they can keep me up for sufficient time.

  8. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Oh Gord. Another birthday ruined by a bad “balloon animal”.

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