Amadeus is sort of a film about the composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, but one that uses his middle name instead of his forename or surname, like a freshman undergraduate who is trying out something a bit different for a change, but lacks the courage to adopt a new name altogether (such as Pee-Wee, Robo-Muffin, or Daniel).

Everyone knows Mozart was a young Austrian with a gift for the ladies and a taste for potted beef. But what else is there to know? Only the following:

Mozart flops up, out and onto the podium, smacks the pianissimo bang across its snout (a pert al pugno), and hoists a petard (his own) just to prove that he can. He is cocksure. Real cocksure. Yes, there’s no denying it. Mozart is exceedingly sure of his cock, like a gynaecologist who won’t take no for an answer. This is an unorthodox entry but the judges cannot deny that he has something special. For Mozart, you see, has supped the buttercup’s sap of musical inspiration. Jeez, has he supped. You can practically see the yellow snot coming out of his eye cracks.

Mozart squeezes the far end of the piano with a pronged pincer. It makes a sound no-one has ever heard before. As a direct result, a Pope dies. But a new Pope, taller, sleeker and faster, rises to take his place. Mozart does a teasing tinkle on the other side of the piano – just a little flirtatious finger-twizzle for the ladies. They like that kind of stuff, the ladies. Next he comes on hard and piratical in the middle of the keyboard, pump, pump, pump, like a pneumatic Nordic loveboy massaging a sentient German blob. The symphony has begun in earnest now. A billion notes leave Mozart’s ten fingers at once. His thumb alone hammers out enough symphony in a minute to feed the population of Luxembourg for a week.

 Think about that for a moment. No, don’t think about that. You think too much. That’s your problem. One of your problems anyway. Don’t think. Give yourself up. Throw yourself athwart the thunderous plinkety-plonk of unadulterated symphonitude. Climb among the stars like a galactic dwarf. Plunge into the amniotic fluid of musical rebirth. Dance. That’s right, do a dance. Not a big one. Just a little one. Do a little dance. And make love. Not loads of love. Just a love. A little love. Make a little love.




You have your instructions. Now get to it.


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4 Responses to “Amadeus”

  1. oldrope Says:

    “Real cocksure. Yes, there’s no denying it. Mozart is exceedingly sure of his cock, like a gynaecologist who won’t take no for an answer”

    This made me do a snort and then ring my local PCT to try and have my doctor struck off now I realise what he has been up to.

    Other than that I can see two glaring errors in this piece. One, Mozart did not have ten fingers but indeed the eleven that was statutory in Austria at the time. Two, Luxembourg’s population could not have been fed by the symphony Mozart produced since any thicky German speaking schoolboy knows that Luxembourg did not exist then, being as it was invented only last Thursday afternoon over a game of cribbage and a bowl of cabbage. See EU meeting minutes from last Thursday for reference.

  2. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Primary Care Trusts aren’t for two-bob third raters like you. Get down to the Tertiary Care Trust where you belong, with all of the other trached-out colostomy-draggers.

    Re: my Luxembourgian anachronism, all I can say is that it is the latest in a nauseatingly long line of factual inaccuracies and outright misrepresentations propagated by this broken, sick excuse for a blog. I think it one of my best.

  3. oldrope Says:

    It’s slanderers like you wot gives liars like me a bad name. As for healthcare, of late I’ve been visiting that old bag you recommended to me on my last visit to see you on the “inside”. She is a bit dirty, but seems to have some sort of homebrew for every ailment I have. How is prison treating you by the way?

  4. johnlebaptiste Says:

    Just like in that John Prine song,

    It was Christmas is prison
    Everything was real good,
    We had turkey and pistols
    Carved out of wood.

    You’ve got a lot of ailments Old Rope. More than there are names for. You must be supping that Porlock and Nightshade sap like a right wrong ‘un.

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